WINchester FAQ
by Tribble Master
Summary: Warriors of WINchester raise your weapons! All’s fair in love and WAR!...And now we break for a small party. Only awesome people allowed.
1. Dean Winchester, profesional BAMF

**Disclaimer:** I don't own them, because it's safer that way.  
**Warning:** Everything before the start of fifth season is fair game to be spoiled.  
Without further ado...

**Dean Winchester  
AKA: Super Cool**

**_How Did You Escape Hell?_**

I didn't escape. They let me out because I was too much of a BAMF for them keep in. I only stayed a couple extra years because I wanted to brawl and dink all the free beer.

**_So...the angels God sent?_**

Those dicks, they heard about the party I was throwing and came down to crash it.

**_What work does God have for you?_**

He wanted my opinion on some of his work. I told him the Virgin Island were very nice, but totally misnamed. Especially since my last visit.

**_What's your relationship with Sam?_**

Completely platonic. Unless I'm wasted and bored. I'll try anything once.

**_Does your amulet have any powers?_**

Actually, yes. It's a resurrection stone. How else could I continually come back from the dead?

**_Is Bobby as awesome as we think? _**

Do you think he is the most awesome person ever who no one should fuck with? Then YES.

**_If you could make one wish what would it be?_**

To watch a fight break out between Sam!Girls and Dean!Girls. It's bound to happen sooner or later. Dean!Girls rule!

**_What do you expect from Dean!Girls?_**

That they know how to start a decent bar brawl, run a good scam, and have to be fabulous.

**_Have anyone ever told you, be careful what you wish for?_**

No, why?

**_No reason…Why do you love pie?_**

Because Sam bakes me pie when I'm sad.

**_What was the first order John ever gave you?_**

Speak. Then, Sit. I was a good boy.

**_Is there any order from John you refuse to obey?_**

Don't touch that pie. Shoot Sammy. Try not to be awesome. Any of those, really.

**_It is said boys are made of snips, snails, and puppy dog tails- agree?_**

Hell no! I'm made of awesomeness, 100% pure. I guess, I also have a bit of WIN in there to.

**_If you saw a vampire sparkle, what would be your reaction?_**

Put on sun glasses and behead it. Period. Besides, vamps don't sparkle. Who told you that?

**_If you could be any supernatural monster what would you be?_**

Werewolf. Straight up, I love walks in the moon light and puppies. It's a perfect match.

**_Do you cry?_**

No. I never cry. I just hide my emotions and occasionally write poetry.

**_Really?_**

Okay, yes I will cry…when a movie's really sad or something... We will never speak of this answer again.

**_What's the best thing about your brother?_**

His researching skllz, 'cause let's face it. The only skilz I have are are skilz that killz. And lady skilz, too. So I need him to back me up. But on a side note- He's the only person I want watching my back in a fight. But don't tell him I said that.

**_Batman or Superman?_**

What kinda question is that? Batman all the way. BAMFs gotta support their fellow BAMFs. Superman is a dweeb like Sam.

**_Do you have any other tattoos? _**

Only one way for you to find out, sugha.

**_How you plan to deal with Sam's addiction?_**

I'm just not going to give him anymore Meatloaf.

**_I meant to Demon blood. _**

WHAT?

**_Erm…you guys need to talk. _**

o-o-o-o-o

"Dean what the hell are you doing on my laptop!" Sam screeched. "Stop using it for porn!"

Dean quickly slammed the laptop shut and pouted. "I wasn't looking at _porn_ Sam."

"Really." Sam raised an eyebrow. "Then what were you doing?"

Dean blushed and his eyelids fluttered. Now Sam knew he was up to something. "Dean…" he prompted.

"I was…" Dean swallowed and looked at his feet. "I was answering some questions our fans asked."

Sam rolled his eyes. "Dean…just…we're leaving soon. Go get in the shower."

Dean shamefully walked over to the bathroom and slammed the door. As soon as Sam was sure it was firmly shut he ran over to the laptop.

Did they have any questions for him?

**MOST DEFINITELY TO BE CONTINUED**

**To those just joining in: **Still ask questions for the next character!!! Participate, because that's what fuels this story. Sam's next, any comments, questions or concerns? LEAVE 'EM IN YOUR REVIEW!

**Explanation of terms: **

**BAMF= Bad Ass Mother Fucker, in case you didn't know. **

**WIN= not an acronym, actually, just a word to imply an extra amount of awesome. So awesome, it's like scoring a touchdown in the last few seconds and the whole team WINS. **


	2. Sam Winchester is made of WIN

**If you enjoy this story, please check out T.A.P. That. Have a lovely day! **

**on a side note DEAN GIRLS RULE. But this is Sam's chapter and he's entitled to his opinion, however wrong that may be. **

**Sam Winchester FAQ**

**_Sam, you're considered the emotional one- care to comment?_**

Who the fuck said that? I don't do emotions. I do hardcore –

**_Sam, please stop lying to yourself. We can tell your hurt inside._**

Well, okay, sometimes I'm a little….sensitive. Don't give me that look. Bambi was emotional for every one damnit!

**_If you could be any Supernatural creature what could you be?_**

Don't I already count as a vampire?

**_Good point. Do you sparkle?_**

Occasionally, only when it's an exceptional day. And I've done something amazing. … Fuck, that's every day. I can't help being so awesome.

**_Does Dean give you his leftovers?_**

Only when it's meatloaf night. He hates meatloaf.

**_Err…That's not what I meant…_**

Oh. … OH. Please, I don't need his leftovers. The classy Ladies come to me. Sam!Girls got style.

**_How would you describe your Sam!Girls?_**

They know how to play the I'm-a-younger-sibling card, look innocent, and rebel. Like me.

**_Who would win in a fight Dean!Girls or Sam!Girls?_**

That's essentially brawn vs. brain. And since Sam!Girls are smarter, sexier, in general more awesome, well obviously we'd win.

**_We, Sam? Really?_**

I meant they. They'd win. Seriously, you never said I couldn't fight alongside my warriors.

**_Superman or Batman?_**

Let's see…. Batman's a poser and Superman has legit powers. SUPERMAN. Duh.

**_Who the hell told you your haircut was good? _**

Well-

**_Because they lied. _**

AHEM. My brother did right after he _styled _it. And I trust him implicitly. But I don't understand at all why he has to cover giggles every time I tuck it behind one ear or flip my luxurious locks over my shoulder. He's just jealous.

**_Clearly. How would you describe your relationship with Dean?_**

Platonic. Except when he's drunk. Then it's annoying and really sad for Dean when he can't find a girl and I have to tell him- no, maybe next time.

**_Are you helping him deal with his struggling addictions?_**

To sex, booze, or rock and roll? The answer to all three is no, I have my own issues to worry about without dealing with his nonsense.

**_How did it feel when you rebelled against John?_**

AWESOME. I even asked Dean for advice before, and he was like- "Repeat after me: I am the shit." WELL I AM. But telling myself that totally helped. And I showed that man who's boss!

**_Your stance on angels?_**

Un-amused by their tom-foolery.

**_Your stance on demons?_**

Good for one thing: Sex.

**_Who do you think can hold their liquor better- You, Dean, or Bobby?_**

That old man cheats. I don't know how he can hold out more than me or Dean (the professional alcoholic). I'm sure he's putting more than a splash of Holy Water in his beer.

**_Does Bobby look like a ditch-able prom date?_**

Only when you get him drunk enough to put on a dress.

**_Can you shoot her?_**

Not in public.

**_How would you define the word SEXY?_**

Sam's Excited for X-rated Yuminess.

Something to that effect.

o-o-o-o-o

"That was one amazing shower," Dean said stepping out of the bathroom. "Sam what the hell are you doing!"

"I'm on my laptop, Dean." Sam grunted, "Busy."

Sam continued to type furiously as Dean walked up behind him. "AH-HA!" Dean shouted.

Sam nearly jumped a foot in the air. "Don' scare me like that!!"

Dean pointed his finger accusing at Sam. "You were talking to the fans too!"

"Well, they're not just yours Dean!" Sam petulantly folded his arms over his chest.

Dean huffed. Sam puffed. An earthquake knocked the neighboring house down.

An epic glaring contest of great strength and perseverance had only just begun when Castiel fluttered into the room. "Hey guys, did you know we had fan girls?"

"What!" Both Winchesters shrieked.

"Yeah, totally, Chuck's good for something I guess…" Castiel shrugged. And the fourth wall is good for nothing, was left unspoken.

Sam and Dean rolled their eyes. "Cas, we're going out for the afternoon. Don't touch the computer, k?"

Castiel gave a sheepish grin. "Wouldn't dream of it."

They left. Castiel popped open the laptop to see what was inside.

**To Be Continued**

**If you have any questions for Castiel, please ask them in your review. ^_^**


	3. Castiel has Daddy Issues

**If you enjoy this story, please check out T.A.P. That. Have a lovely day! **

**SCREAM IF YOUR A CAS!CHEER LEADER!!!**

***crickets***

***cough* so, anyway, here you go...**

**Castiel, Offical Angel of Thursday, FAQ**

**_Cas-_**

Do Not Call Me Cas. I will not hesitate to slap bitch.

**_Uh, sorry. So- what's your official title?_**

Castiel the goddamn Savior of Fan Girls on Thursday**_._**

**_ How's your relationship with your dad?_**

I'm so pissed right now. He said if I ever snuck out of the house to hang out with Dean again he'd ground me. That's such bull shit, sometimes I feel like the only misunderstood teenager in the world.

**_Teenager? Castiel how old are you?_**

Well, by your 'mortal standards' I guess I'm_ old_, but I still get shit from the other angels 'cause I'm the youngest.

**_Why did you REALLY save Dean Winchester from Hell?_**

Well, I saw the season three finale and I was like- It totally can't end like that! Then as it turns out, Dad wanted me to come steal their fangirls anyway. So I caught the first cloud I saw and came on down.

**_What was it like pulling Dean out of Hell?_**

Kind of like trying to give an angry Pekingese a bath. He's such a BAMF Hell practically begged for me take him out. Plus he was starting a lot of brawls. I had to crash the party NASCAR style, fast and furious.

**_Who's the sexiest angel in the garrison?_**

What the hell kind of question is that, you know who it is. Me. Don't ever fucking doubt that.

**_If you could have your own car what would it be?_**

Mercedes S320 convertible, black. That way I can let my wings hang free when I'm cruisn' for girls.

**_How do you take care of your wings?_**

Little known secret, bubble bath. That shit is amazing, it's so soft. Perfect for keeping the fluffiness.

**_Batman or Superman?_**

Those posers. I'm way better than any of those so-called superheroes.

**_Do you believe in fate?_**

Uh, HELLO. Agent of Fate, here. YES.

**_Do you believe in destiny?_**

Yes. … Where are you going with this?

**_Will you marry me?_**

What?

**_Never mind. What do you think of the brothers' relationship?_**

Sometimes I question how platonic things are. Especially when Dean's wasted and Sam's mischievous. Then again, when my sibs are drunk…. Why wouldn't you take advantage of that situation?

**_Are you a virgin?_**

Oh. Not after my last drinking binge with the Garrison.

**_Did you get a tattoo also?_**

Well, as you know this body ain't mine. It's Jimmy's, and I think he got drunk in Reno once….

**_Castiel, I saw it. It's protection sigil on your pectoral. Exactly like the Winchester's._**

Are you implying I copied THEM? Please. Who do you think gave them the idea? Gosh darnit, I'm the fucking original one.

**_Do you like creating Finger Paint?_**

All the time. Even when Zach say's it's nap time, I'm like- no it be painting time!!

People would call it "being a cutter" but I call it ART.

**_o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o_**

"Dean girls know how to fight dirty," Dean argued back as they walked into the motel room. Sam dropped his bag of groceries angrily on the bed.

"Dean shut the hell up. You keep talking shit but, we all know Sam Girls can win hands down."

"Please, Dean Girls have ten times more weaponry knowledge—Cas what the hell are you doing on the computer?" Dean snapped, now noticing the room's other occupant.

Castiel looked up and blushed. "Nothing," he murmured before flying away.

Sam threw his hands up in the air. "Great! I don't even know why he was here!"

"Probably needed helping breaking the seal on his jar of peanut butter." Dean said rolling his eyes. "Let's call Bobby and get his opinion."

"On peanut butter?" Sam said incredulously.

"No dumb ass!" Dean kicked him in the shins. "On the fight!"

Sam hit him back.

Hours later, bruises and ice packs galore, they agreed on a temporary truce until a time and meeting place could be set up.

Dean's cell phone rang as they signed the official document of the surrender.

"Oh, hey Bobby, we were just gonna call you. What? An email from who? They wanna know WHAT?"

**....To Be Continued**

**please in your review include any questions you have for bobby....**


	4. Bobby couldnt b more awesome if he tried

**If you enjoy this story, please check out T.A.P. That. Have a lovely day! **

I apologize profusely in advance for the small sexist joke I made, and anything else that people may over react to.

Somehow, me getting off of work tired out of mind writing a crack!fic like this is a good thing based off of the positive feedback. I don't understand why, but now for some reason the story grew a plot. So expect _something _to happen.

**_Bobby, Hillbilly Car Mechanic Demon Hunter_**

**_Who's the biggest idjit in the group?_**

First off, the word is IDIOT dumbass. Secondly, John. Fucking idjit left right as the show picked up, he missed out on all the fan girls.

**_The last time you saw John you threatened to shoot him- why?_**

Okay, well see tequila and demon hunting don't mix. He thought I was a damn Wendigo just because I decided to chase him around the house with arms outstretched screaming- "Gonna getcha! I'm gonna getcha!" He's such a fucking drama queen.

**_When do you feel comfortable hatless?_**

When I'm ninety percent no drunken fan will insist on trying to steal it based on a dare. Currently, I'm at a seventeen percent.

**_Batman or Superman?_**

After doing extensive research- oh wait, fuck, I don't have to research this because it's so damn obvious! BATMAN. He does research (like me), has awesome gadgets (like me), kicks a serious amount of ass (like me) and always shows up at the right moment (like me). I AM BATMAN.

**_Have you ever run into a Sparkly Vampire?_**

Once, upstate some silverware themed town. Rained all the damn time too, I had to wear an extra hat whilst I slayed 'em. I think I have to go back again this year too, there seemed to be a lycanthropy problem…

**_Do you know a guy that knows a guy that can get what you need?_**

No. I AM that guy. The only person I look to is in the mirror.

**_Do you have any organization for all of your books?_**

Yes. I put on a blindfold, spin around three times and _point. _That's the one I need. Right there. Up a little and to the left.

**_What do you think of the boy's relationship?_**

Platonic. Except when Dean's drunk- Then it's just awkward the way Sam leads him on.

**_If they made a movie of your life, who would play you?_**

Jim Beaver- that man can ACT. He's also a fellow BAMF.

**_How often do you seriously work on cars?_**

All the time. But it's very personal. I don't need people watching me and my automobiles.

**_What was the tip-off your wife was possessed?_**

She refused to cook.

**_… Anything else?_**

Well, she also insisted that I take off my hat, because it didn't look "sexy." LIES.

**_Is there anything else, aside from construction, that you like do on your weekends off?_**

Write fanfiction. My screen name is: RockSaltandCars91

**_How did you manage to make more bullets for the Colt?_**

I stared down the gun, it had to bend to my will or die trembling.

**_Do you ever have nightmares?_**

Well, there's this one where I'm afraid that I'm too AWESOME to exist. Nope. Turns out my awesomeness is what keeps it together.

**_If there is a fight between Sam!Girls and Dean!Girls will you be a referee? _**

When. Where. Yes please.

o-o-o-o-o

"Wait, Bobby, you agreed to do WHAT?" Dean Winchester yelled through the phone.

"It seemed like a good idea," Bobby shrugged in his South Dakota junk yard.

"Well, yeah, but it's not fair to the Sam!Girls…" Dean whined. "They're so fragile and nerdy, I'm afraid the Dean!Girls will crush them too easily."

Over the phone Bobby heard a smack, a cuss, and then Sam was on the line. "Bobby. Get here right away. This fight is going down."

"The seals broke so soon!?" Bobby said jumping up to grab his coat.

"No. This is bigger than the damn apocalypse Bobby. This is fandom."

Bobby nodded his head agreeably. "Be there soon."

He hung up and left.

Back at the motel Castiel had appeared with a jar of jam in one hand. "Guys," he whined, "Can you open this? I can't break the seal and I _really _want a PB&J."

"Why don't you just get Lillith to do it…since she's been so good about breaking seals lately?" Dean muttered darkly.

Sam sighed, and flicked his wrist. The lid popped off the container. "If you'll excuse me," he got up quickly and left, "I need to go talk to a few … people."

"What's his deal?" Casitel asked. He snapped his hands and white bread with peanut butter appeared.

"Like I fucking know. The whole point of this season is we haven't reconnected yet." Dean threw his hands in the air.

Sam was well past the motel now, steely determination written on his face. _Nerds! Ha. More like warriors_, he thought.

Meanwhile a puddle of ectoplasmic goo squished next to Sam's computer back at the motel. Because of it's supernatural powers it managed to access the World Wide Web. Hell had been horrible, but what he saw online... he shuddered. But he curiously braved on.

**....To Be Continued**

**If you know who's next, for the love of god keep it quiet. But yes, ask questions. **

**Explanation of terms: **

**BAMF= Bad Ass Mother Fucker, in case you didn't know. **

**WIN= not an acronym, actually, just a word to imply an extra amount of awesome. So awesome, it's like scoring a touchdown in the last few seconds and the whole team WINS. **


	5. OMB WTF CANNON

In case of emergency, should you find yourself out of breath (in case the "_drama_" is to much) there is EMT!Sam and EMT!Dean standing by and they are fully capable in the art of CPR.

**Disclaimer:**Use this story as the reason why Erik Kripke won't let me own them.

**A/N**Today Real Life cornered me in an ally, beat me up, took my wallet and then I woke up in a cheap motel in a bathtub full of ice. Fuck Real Life. It stole my goddamn kidney. So sorry the update is late. Does anyone have a spare kidney or metacarpal?

AND GO----

**JOHN WIN-Ex-Marine-Corps-Do-Not-Mess-With-CHESTER**

**_Some fathers have their sons call them Daddy, Poppy, did you have name?_**

THE BAMF. Emphasis when you say _the. _As in the only, the original Bad Ass Mother Fucker.

**_What do you love more- Mary or the Impala?_**

I love doing Mary in the Impala. Does that count?

**_Do you ever see Mary now that you're a ghost?_**

Yes. And btw- ghost sex is hotter.

**_If you were stranded on a desert island what would you want more- your sons or weaponry?_**

Weaponry. That way I could hunt down the fuckers who stole my sons.

**_What do you think of your boys' relationship?_**

Completely and utterly gay.

**_WHAT?_**

Isn't that slang for awesome?

**_Gay isn't slang John. Gay is … erm…_**

OH. Well, Dean did drunk dial Sam a lot when Sam was at Stanford. But no, they're brothers. It's platonic.

**_What makes sense to you John?_**

Well, when you realize what a joke everything is, being the comedian is the only that makes sense.

**_What did you say to Sam when he said he was going to Stanford?_**

I told him- "Go out that door and come back with milk!" That way he would HAVE to come back. With milk. Which I needed to dip my cookies in.

**_How do you explain the misquoting?_**

Sam is such a fucking drama queen.

**_Batman or Superman?_**

I'll say Batman, because he held out longer when I hunted those posers down.

**_What were the terms of your deal with Azazel, the Yellow Eyed Demon?_**

I had to give him my soul, which was kinda awesome, because I'd already sold it for a doughnut. I also had to give him a signed Efron poster with what's-her-face on the cover, too. That was evil…

**_Did you watch the Season Four finale?_**

YES. WTF, KRPIKE! Our luck isn't _that _bad.

**_What's worse – a war that will jump start Judgment day or fight between Sam!Girls and Dean!Girls?_**

I think a fight between Sam!Girls and Dean!Girls would start the Apocalypse.

o-o-o-o-o-o

Dean and Castiel where still bickering when Sam came back later. "What the fuck is on my computer!" He screeched pointing to the black ooze.

John struggled for a moment then rearranged his ghostly self into a for recognizable form. Dean gasped, choked back a tear, and had many conflicting emotions that flickered in his misty green eyes. "D-Dad?" he stammered.

Sam swore. He hadn't brought any milk home. "What's up Dad?" he said, attempting nonchalance.

"I wanted to warn you that this fight you are planning could be dangerous," he said solemnly.

"We eat danger for breakfast!" Sam said with a steely glare.

"Well, then I taught you right," John said proudly. He looked over at his oldest son who was still standing with his jaw open. "Dean are you alright?"

Dean nodded slowly. "Dad…I missed you…"

"Holy Crap! What happened when I died? Sam when did you become a bad ass and when Dean start expressing emotion?" John waved his arms wildly to put emphasis on his point.

Dean looked into the author's eyes, completely deadpan. "Sometimes you just have to say Screw Cannon."

Sam cuffed him. "Who the fuck are you talking to?"

Dean brushed his hair back. "Nobody. C'mon Dad, we wanna show you the details of the fight…."

Castiel in the corner smiled sadly to himself. With all the seals broken, there was only one more to go.

And it looked like everything was falling into place.

**....To Be Continued**

**PLEASE INCLUDE IN YOUR REVIEW: **

**a) Your Weapon of Choice**

**b) You Alleigence - Samazon or Diva or if your feeling dangerous, you could also be Bobby's Bitches.**

**Scratch that, we're ALL Bobby's Bitches. But pick between the other two, also. **


	6. The Evil Chapter

In case of emergency, should you find yourself out of breath (in case the "_drama_" is to much) there is EMT!Sam and EMT!Dean standing by and they are fully capable in the art of CPR.

**Disclaimer:**Use this story as the reason why Erik Kripke won't let me own them.

**I HAVE NEVER FELT SO THREATENED.** Thanks guys for all the reviews that scared the crap out of me. ... sorry this took so long to update i was in therapy recovering from the shock...

**Warning: This Chapter is a little creepy.. oops. Enjoy!**

**_The Demonic Chapter_**

**Azazel, Professional Home Wrecker**

**_How did you select homes to destroy?_**

I figured out which houses were most likely to be a threat to my BAMF reputation. Then I inadvertently created the greatest family of BAMFs ever. Fuck me.

**_Why are your eyes yellow?_**

Because yellow is a very evil color. What does it make you think of?

**_Bright yellow…uh, posies?_**

As is, 'Pocket full of Posies?' Yeah, that poem is about death. And I'm deadly awesome.

**_So, if you're running the Miss American Beauty Pageant which celebrity judge are you?_**

The crazy one who nobody really understands, but trust me I got this all worked out…

**_What's black, white, and red all over?_**

An adorable penguin with a rose. I love penguins.

**Alistair:**

**The Guy who no one invites to Party because he's just a Fun Killer**

**_What's your favorite weapon?_**

I slay 'em with words.

**_How did you break Dean the BAMF Winchester?_**

Dean the cry baby Winchester? Easy. I told him Sam was gonna drive the Impala…and the Impala liked it.

**_Why so serious?_**

It's not seriousness, its professionalism.

**_I can respect that. If you could torture anyone who would it be?_**

Castiel. He's to…emotionless. Let's put a smile on that face…

**_Whose your favorite person to torture?_**

Blocked writers. I love to pick their brains.

**Lillith**

**More than a Dental Hygienist**

**_How old are you?_**

Never ask a girl her age… but, oh, I guess I'm the oldest living Demon ever.

**_Then why little girls?_**

Because girls are made of sugar, spice, everything nice, and a little chemical whop ass.

**_What do you think of your dad?_**

He's just misunderstood. But I understand…and soon the whole world will…

**_Understand what?_**

How evil it is to feed your children broccoli. Even demons hate eating their vegetables.

**_Why did you want to kill Dean so bad?_**

Well the brothers have this amazing platonic relationship that just was to GOOD for EVIL to EXIST. And I wanted him to come over to my playground.

**_Does Sammy get some sort of reward for his help in freeing Lucy?_**

Oh, I'll reward him. With a chocolate chip cookie. Tell your friends: Come to the dark side, we have delicous baked goods. Except pie. Sorry, all out.

**Ruby, the Sluty little Yoda**

**_Which body did you like better?_**

Well, the blonde was a kick ass fighter, but if Sam wants brunettes… then brunette I am.

**_What's your favorite spell?_**

The one where I trick people into liking me for a season. Muhahaha. I mean, *giggle*

**_Have you ever cast a spell you regretted?_**

Oh, yeah, I'm kinda ashamed… but in one of my more girlish moments, I accidentally threw some enchanted glitter at a vampire that pissed me off.

**_Do you do drugs?_**

French fries= Deep fried crack. So, YES.

**_Is there anything more evil than Demons?_**

Bad fan fiction, rabid fan girls, and horribly written teen angst poetry.

**_So a fight between Sam!Girls and Dean!Girls…_**

…could not end well…. Oh God, what have you started?

**_Me? I'm just a writer…_**

Phft. And I'm just a demon. If I can goad the greatest living weapon into starting the apocalypse … well, I'm afraid you've done worse… writers are fucking scary.

**_Cross Roads Demon  
Care to make a deal?_**

**_Sorry, recent managerial change: One soul sell per body. Fuck you Winchesters._**

**_Do you ever get in trouble with your boss?_**

Only ALL THE GOD DAMN TIME.

**_Why?_**

People, like say the WINCHESTERS, constantly trading one doomed soul for another.

**_Are there any deals you regret?_**

Giving Troy Bolton phenomenal singing powers for his soul. I mean, WTF Troy, your already a fucking basketball superstar. Leave the drama to people who can handle it. Stick to the status quo already!

**_Your job is to make contracts; you're not really that evil. What's the most devious…evil…mean thing you've ever done?_**

Giving people mono.

**_Why do you keep changing meat suits?_**

To keep it interesting.

**_The Old Man wasn't interesting. _**

Yes, but that was my Demonic Tax Account mood. Don't worry I'm hot now.

**_Do you ever get a day off?_**

I took one day off, and damn am I pissed. That was the day half the fan girls decided to sell their soul just for a chance to a) own the show or b) meet the Winchesters. I was almost Employee of the month too…

**_Have you ever seen the Hell Hounds?_**

Well, yeah, I have to feed them. Erik, Benny, and Sara, they're so cute…

**_Wait, what do they look like?_**

Yorkshire, Pomeranian, Pekingese, mix. Absolutely terrifying when you try to give them a bath.

o-o-o-o-o-o

The demons stopped typing and stared slack-jawed at the blinking cursor. Hesitantly each clicked their response to the invitation: **Fight Going Down. Wanna come? **The invitation was set for three days from now. They knew they would have to work quickly if they wanted to spare the universe from ultimate destruction.

Ruby questioned if she should call her cuddy buddy, Sam, and tell him about her terrible sense of foreboding. She frowned and set down her cell phone, discarding the idea. They hadn't been on good terms lately since she had washed his shirts with her socks. Now his shirt was pink, and she was on her own.

Lilith bit her lip nervously. She couldn't decide which side she wanted to fight on, and she was even less sure she was ready to admit her devotion to the fandom. They had freed her Dad after all, and she had some respect for that.

Alistair clapped his hands in glee. Battlefields meant more people would be visiting him downstairs. And he couldn't wait to show them his new knife set.

Azazel had given up hope a long time ago, sometime after Dean Winchester shot him in the face. Lately his most evil acts had been going from convenience store to convenience store, making them inconvenient and jamming peanut butter lids. But this Internet gossip had much potential.

They chuckled evilly as they made their decisions.

...**To Be Continued...**

**WRITERS ARE AWESOME!!! When Ruby says Writers Are Fucking Scary it's cause we terrify people with our AWESOME power to make words our bitch. So recap: I have the utmost respect for writers. **

**I HOPE THAT MADE UP FOR THE LONG WAIT!!! Look at my profile pic if you want next chapters hint. And of course, leave any questions you want to ask in your review. **


	7. OMB THE AUTHOR

In case of emergency, should you find yourself out of breath (in case the "_drama_" is to much) there is EMT!Sam and EMT!Dean standing by and they are fully capable in the art of CPR.

**Disclaimer:**Use this story as the reason why Erik Kripke won't let me own them.

**_a/n If you recall from several AWESOME chapters ago, Bobby has a fan fiction account. Anyone recall the name?_**

**_Chuck _**

**_Inventing Characters Like Sam and Dean As Long As There Is Booze_**

**_Are you a god?_**

No, I'm BETTER.

**_Even though your books are out of print, how do you get money for alcohol?_**

Credit card scams and pool hall brawls.

**_What's your favorite episode…_**

Episode?

**_I meant novel. Of course it's not a TV show. _**

Exactly. There's no way they'd make such amazing books into a TV Show…Seriously who could ACT that?

**_Well, I know a couple of good BAMFs. But still… What's your favorite …novel?_**

Let's see favorite book… I loved writing _Asylum. _

**_Were there any you felt uncomfortable writing?_**

Route 66, Heart, Magnificent Seven, Dream A Little Dream of Me, I Know What You Did Last Summer, Angels And Demons, Sex and Violence and … Mystery Spot.

**_Wait, one of those things is not like the other… Why Mystery Spot?_**

I HAD TO WATCH DEAN DIE 600 TIMES. THAT DOESN'T MAKE YOU A LITTLE UPSET???

**_Sorry. My Bad. But the others… Why did those make you uncomfortable?_**

Let me put it this way: Here I sit completely celibate, since no girl will touch me once I start spazzing out and then I have to watch THEM get some ACTION. NOT COOL.

**_How did you write the brother's relationship?_**

To be platonic! Why were you expecting a different answerer? You know, when I peruse fan fiction, I do occasionally come across some drunk slash written by someone called 'RockSaltandCars91.'

It's amusing to read when I have writer's block.

**_How does it feel to have an Archangel protecting you?_**

Who the fuck told you that? The Angels look to ME for protection.

**_Do you ever feel bad about how you wrote such a flawed character like Sam?_**

WHAT? Sam isn't flawed. He's perfect. You can tell by looking at the amazing hair I wrote for him.

**_Do you have a title for the opening book in the next series?_**

Yes- *Spoiler Alert* I've decided to name it- Everything Goes To Hell In A Hand Basket.

**_Really? What happens?_**

Promise not to tell?

**_I promise! I promise!_**

Dean decides to go on a picnic with the Angels, but because they don't like Sam he gets a Witch to turn him into a small tabby kitten. Then Sam hides in the picnic basket as a spy. It's all going really well, until …

**_Wait. Have you actually seen that?_**

Look, I'm the fucking author, and I think that book will be the bestseller that puts me back on top.

**_Maybe. But Dean _has _to be a beagle at some point, if you really want fandom to flip._**

Do you have a cocktail napkin on you so I can write that down? And maybe a cocktail?

**_Do you consider yourself an alcoholic?_**

No. Alcoholics go to meetings. Fucking Quitters.

**_If you're a prophet then does that make you a psychic?_**

No shit, Sherlock.

**_Well if your so psychic-_**

What am I gonna say next? Really, that's all you got?

**_Fine._**

**_…_**

**_One. _**

How many psychics does it take to screw in a light bulb? Honestly? Please.

**_In regards to…_**

Wait….

**_Chuck?_**

…urm…ahh…OH NOES!

**_CHUCK?_**

….

**_ANWSER ME!!!_**

….

**_Shit. There goes my chance of out shining Tom Brokaw and his mad interviewing skills. I bet his interviewees never passed out foaming at the mouth. … _**

o-o-o-o-o-o

Chuck lay passed out in front of the computer in the twisted control of an awful nightmare that detailed the gory details of a grim future.

Usually when he awoke, he wrote immediately. But hours later when he came to, after the Author hesitantly offered him whiskey, he just shrugged and replied, "No, I'm quitting."

The Author asked quietly if he would write down the details of what he had just witnessed.

"No," he shuddered, "You'll see soon enough."

**To Be Continued**

**PLEASE INCLUDE IN YOUR REVIEW**

**1) ****A Reason why your team is better than a Samazon…or… Dean!Diva**

**2) ****An insult to throw at said Samazons …or… Divas. **

**3) ****Who you want interviewed next. **


	8. Rocking and Rolling In Style

In case of emergency, should you find yourself out of breath (in case the "_drama_" is to much) there is EMT!Sam and EMT!Dean standing by and they are fully capable in the art of CPR.

**Disclaimer:**Use this story as the reason why Erik Kripke won't let me own them.

**_IN RESPONSE TO ALL REVIEWS FROM THE LAST CHAPTER: _**WHAT. THE. HELL. 'i'm gonna kick their ass' is the insult of brute. Remember? WE'RE CLASSY. Try again. Or the chapters get shorter. I'll do it to, don't tempt me.

**The Impala**

**A Damn Fine Lady Worthy Of Any Upstanding BAMF**

**_Ms. Impala,_**

Excuse me, but, uh, I prefer the Metallicar.

**_How did it feel to be chosen by young John Winchester?_**

Mind blowingly awesome.

When I saw him at the car lot I said to him- 'Do you believe in love at first sight or should I roll by again?' And oh Lord, how he swaggered over to me...it was a perfect match.

_**When John told you he was leaving you for another car, how did you feel?**_

I think I died a little on the inside… but then…

_**Then what?**_

Then he let his dumb ass snot nosed little son drive me straight into a tree. Oh… I was so fucking pissed at John…

_**Did you ever forgive him?**_

John, no. He left me for a fucking truck. That's unacceptable. But Dean…ah, I grew to love the way he handled my curves, revved my engine, and called me Baby on those cold nights…

_**And Sam?**_

That dumb ass is always getting mud or blood on my seats because he's to damn tall.

_**What made you feel more violated: Dean and his conquests in your back seat or the iPod jack Sam installed?**_

The iPod jack! Ugh! I have never felt so used in my life. I am a mother fucking classic. Show some respect.

_**So Dean and Anna…**_

Hey, what makes my Man happy makes me happy.

_**Metallicar, how does Dean like his ladies?**_

With a little junk in the trunk…like me.

_**Is it safe to say you see a side of the boys we never see?**_

So safe, the umpire just called it.

_**Dean considers himself the hardcore bad ass, is this true?**_

Only when he's not hiding in my backseat writing poetry where no can see him. … oops….

I mean, uh, all the fucking time.

_**And Sam is thought of as an emotionally unstable rebel, is that mostly true?**_

Well, from what I see all he's rebelling against is decent hygiene, safe sex, and avoidance of blood transmitted diseases.

_**How many weapons can you hold?**_

Enough to lay siege to France.

_**That's not saying much…**_

Well, all of France, Canada, and Alaska.

_**Alaska's a bull shit state, let's face it. Still, that's impressive. What's your favorite weapon that you hold?**_

The fake IDs. They can get you in, out, and in a pinch you can give someone a nasty paper cut.

_**Who would you rather ride in your car: Batman or Superman?**_

We all know Superman wears Batman Pajamas, and Batman wears Dean Winchester Pajamas. So clearly, DEAN FUCKING WINCHESTER. He can ride me anytime.

_**Have you ever hit anything beside inanimate roadside objects?**_

When we drive north, there is the occasional sparkly corpse left in the dust.

_**Did Dean add anything when he rebuilt you from scratch?**_

I presume you know of the Batcar's technological awesomeness?

_**Yes?**_

Well that fucker can kiss my shiny ass.

_**Really?**_

I ain't no fucking Puis. I rock _and _roll. … tastefully, of course. I am a lady.

_**Rocket Launcher?**_

Of course.

_**Poison Darts?**_

Duh.

_**Catapult for dispelling of hell hounds and normal yappy hounds?**_

Without a doubt.

_**Busty Asian Beauties?**_

Somewhere in the back.

_**Infinite supply of alcohol?**_

Only the best.

_**Health food?**_

NO FUCKING WAY.

**_How did you feel when Dean died?_**

When Sam lowered his broken body into my backseat…I don't think I've ever felt so heartbroken. I must have leaked oil for a week.

**_When Sam died?_**

It was heart breaking to see my Dean so sad. And I found I missed having him in my car to joke with.

**_How many people are allowed to touch you?_**

Two. Dean. And of course Bobby, even though he tickles me. Only the professionals.

o-o-o-o-o-o

"Hey, Dean," Sam called, "Did you leave my laptop in the Imapala's front seat?"

"No," Dean huffed as he got into the car. "Well, will you look at that. Here is your laptop Sam!"

Sam raised one eyebrow and got in the car. "Wow, would you listen to that engine purr!"

"Yeah," Dean agreed, fishing around for a cassette, "I've never heard Baby sound so good."

"Dean, your insistence that this car is real is completely ludicrous," Sam huffed. The car rumbled a little.

"Aw girl," Dean said holding up a tape proudly; "He didn't mean it. Here, this will make it better…"

As he pushed in the tape, sounds of Skynryd filled the car. The Impala roared to life, and as they were speeding down the highway Sam finally realized he had no idea where they were going.

"Dean…"

"The Roadhouse." Dean said without blinking. "We have some loose ends to tie up."

"No," Sam shook out his hair, "that's not what I'm asking. Did you get the email from Ellen yesterday?"

"Yeah," Dean grunted. "She said it was important. She better have pie waiting for us, too."

**To Be Continued**

**PLEASE INCLUDE IN YOUR REVIEW: Details of how you intend to break down the fourth wall and join in. And of course, questions for the Harvells. (I'll figure out how to spell later)**


	9. RUN RUN FOR YOUR LIFE

In case of emergency, should you find yourself out of breath (in case the "_drama_" is to much) there is EMT!Sam and EMT!Dean standing by and they are fully capable in the art of CPR.

**Disclaimer:**Use this story as the reason why Erik Kripke won't let me own them.

**_The Hardcore Harvelles  
_****_Taking the dysfunctional, alcoholic, single parent, hunting family to a new level…  
_****_Of Awesome_**

**Mr. Harvelle  
Seemed Like A Good Idea At The Time**

**_Why did you start hunting?_**

I was running this bar, and a bunch a folk would come in and start talkn' bout this hunting thing… Hell, didn't sound to bad.

**_Do you remember any one hunter in particular?_**

Yeah, some blonde took me to hunt a werewolf. And in the moonlight in the woods, that's when I decided to marry the pretty lass.

**_Wow, that sounds nice. _**

Well if I'd know what a control freak Ellen turned out to be, things might not of been the same.

**_What happened the night you died?_**

John and I went up to Brokeback Mountain to hunt a… chupacabra….

**_Really? How'd that go?_**

If I hadn't tickled John's foot at the wrong moment, it woulda been just peachy.

**_Oh. _**

Just make sure my wife knows to take care of the bar or I swear to God I'll haunt her ass.

**_Um, there's something I need to tell you…_**

Please don't say they canceled _Buffy. _

**Ellen**  
**You Better Be Afraid**

**_How can you be sure the Roadhouse won't be attacked?_**

Because I slip a little Holy Water in the beer, put salt in the walls, steel doorframes, and Devil's traps over every exit. Can't be too careful.

**_The how do you explain the complete and utter destruction of the bar?_**

Somehow, it seems appropriate to blame John Winchester.

For everything.

**_Why won't you let Dean Winchester near Jo?_**

Dean Winchester is a _bad_ role model: he likes Batman, he rides a hot car, listens to rad music, and has real feelings.

**_Ellen, those are good traits!_**

But John Winchester is the reason he's that way! I do not approve!

**_Ellen, at what point will you realize your just a lonely lady?_**

At about the same time Bobby will realize he loves me.

**_When do you suspect that'll be?_**

Oh God, I hope soon. … how I long to feel that scruffy beard scrape against my hungry lips….

**_ENOUGH!!! Ah!_**

…you're right. I, uh, I have no crush on Bobby. Whatsoever. Do you think he has my phone number?

**_If you could be any supernatural creature what would you be?_**

A siren. Then just maybe…

**_Give it up already, Ellen, we've got bigger fish to fry. What's your stance on the Apocalypse?_**

Don't even start that shit with me. I got enough to deal with hunters eating all my fucking peanuts, and Ash breaking my computer every five minuets in the name of science.

**_What kind of tall tales do you hear in the bar?_**

One guy was so shit faced he started talking about a sparkling vamp. Yeah right. Also, another popular one is to say that Jo helped them on a case. My daughter is an upstanding citizen who never disobeys my orders, always goes to bed on time, and flosses her teeth regularly.

**_Right. Of course. Where's Jo right now?_**

Studying in her room…

**_Go check. _**

Be right back…

**_I wonder if she knows John Winchester's dead and cannot be blamed for her poor parenting skills. _**

….

I MAY NOT BE IN THAT ROOM BUT I CAN STILL HEAR YOU.

**_Oops. _**

…

**_Ellen? Back so soon? And why do you have a weapon?_**

WHERE. IS. MY. DAUGHTER.

**_Oh fuck. Ellen, Ellen, lower the riffle, I'm not to blamed here… I'm sure she's just…._**

I'm SURE she's about to do the dishes for a week with her toothbrush as soon as I find her grounded ass!

**_Ellen, wait come back I had more questions…._**

**_Fuck me. And fuck you Tom Brokaw- I see you smirking…I'll beat you one day Tom, I swear it._**

**Jo Harvelle  
Born in the Middle of a Barroom Brawl  
..and ain't nothing changed since**

**_Honestly Jo, how do you feel about Dean Winchester?_**

I used to be quite obsessed.

**_Used to be?_**

Recently Sam and I had a little heart to heart… I realized we were both born under a bad sign …

**_Wait! What about the countless prophetic stories detailing your devotion to Dean?!_**

Nonsense and rabble. Dean's basically my big brother…yuk.

**_Sam?_**

I wish I knew how to quit him.

**_Do you consider you a loyal warrior to Sam?_**

Oh, Hell yes.

**_So in a fight between Sam!Girls and Dean!Divas who would win?_**

They've got me on their side. A sure fire win for Samazons.

**_Really? 'Cause you're only talent seems to be getting kidnapped. _**

Well that was only once…or twice…or …shut the fuck up! I got the job done didn't I?

**_No, Sam and Dean do when they save your whiny blonde ass. _**

This may be true, but I can still mix a pretty mean martin.

**_Bartending is not legitimate skill when fighting the forces of evil. _**

HELLO? Have you seen how well I juggle orders? Multi-tasking is very important.

**_Batman or Superman?_**

Wonder Woman. That's right. Queen Bitch and her Lasson of Do-What-I-Fucking-Want gets the job done every time. And that's a much more acceptable role model for children that Rat Suit Man and Clothing Dysfunctional Man.

**_What bar are you currently working at?_**

Tricky Dick's Halfway Inn. It's in Alaska.

**_That sounds sketchy…_**

You have no idea…....Mother?

**_Ellen?_**

Oh shit. She brought a rifle this time!

**_Run, Jo! Run!_**

o-o-o-o-o-o

Bobby sat in his cluttered office perusing his favorite fandom sites when he stumbled upon something he never expected. He immediately dialed his phone, with tears in his eyes, and waited anxiously for the golden voice that he loved to hear angelically answer.

After a few minuets that seemed like years, she, his one true love, answered. "Bobby? What the hell is it this time?"

"Ellen?" He said with lip trembling, and emotions pushed to the brink.

Ellen held the phone away from her ear. She looked at Sam and Dean who were waiting to speak to her. "Guys," she said, exuding a calm exterior, "I gotta take this call. Go wait …somewhere else."

They shuffled away, a little disgruntled by the lack of pie.

As soon as they were away, she let her emotional walls crumble. "Oh Bobby!" She said, returning the fervor in her voice.

The rest of the conversation was later recorded as one of the most romantic pieces of dialogue ever spoken on this Earth. As such, it seemed only tasteful to let the two lovers have some shred of dignity by leaving this script left alone, as they poured their souls out.

Outside Dean grumbled to Sam, "I doubt she even remembers why she sent us here."

Sam shrugged. "I doubt you even know how to function without orders."

Dean glared.

Sam returned his gaze with villainous intent to settle once and for all who was better at staring contests.

Meanwhile, the walls of reality began to tremble as the precarious balance of fandom and fan girls teetered.

**TO BE CONTINUED~~**

**....that's a legit bar in Alaska...It is halfway between Fairbanks and Anchorage....**

**HOMEWORK **

**Dean!Divas: **Put on an evening gown. Wear it around the house and in public proudly. At minimum, put on a nice pair of pearls. Prove you're classy! And for the love of God, read a real book. Comics don't count this time. Try Fight Club. 

**Samazons: **Start a brawl at the local pub. Prove you're more than a bookworm who can't fight! And also, stop stuffing your bra. We get it; your IQ is no match for your bust size. Then again since when is an IQ NUMBER equal to a BRA SIZE? But please, stop trying to compete with the Diva's natural gifts.

**IN YOUR REVIEW: **The next chapter is absolutely villainous…but who do you think is the best **villain**? (not demons)


	10. Let's put a smile on that face

In case of emergency, should you find yourself out of breath (in case the "_drama_" is to much) there is EMT!Sam and EMT!Dean standing by and they are fully capable in the art of CPR.

**Disclaimer:**Use this story as the reason why Erik Kripke won't let me own them.

HOLY SHIT. YOU GUYS ACTUALLY AGREED ON SOMETHING.

1) I wasn't fandom specific in my villain request (but I thought it was obvious)

AND

2) SOMEHOW YOU GUYS AGREED ON A WORST VILLIAN.

On a side note, didn't get a lot of votes, but let's here it for **The Siren! **You go girl! She/ He deserves some sort of recognition for being such a freaky villain.

**ON WITH THE SHOW!! HERE'S WHAT YOU VOTED.**

**The Joker  
Making It Cool To Crash Parties**

**_Batman or Superman?_**

Batman. That BAMF knows how to take a joke**.**

**_What's the best fandom?_**

Super-dooper-natural!!!!

**The Trickster  
Go Get Me A Candy Bar, Bitch**

**_Who is it more fun to torment- Sam or Dean?_**

Sam. It's far too easy to make Dean cry. But Sam- just say the word hair and watch him go…

**_Do you care about the major Apocalypse problem?_**

Hell, no. I'm more concerned about a fandom fight.

**_Really? _**

Yes! I'm the one who's supposed to be creating chaos!

**_Most people think you have style. I think you're kind of mean spirited…_**

Now that was uncalled for.

**_Yip! Yip! Bark! …grr…_**

How cute. Would you like a doggy treat?

**_Bark. …grr…_**

Ow! Damnit, let go of my leg!

**_Yip?_**

Yes! Yes! I promise! Just let go!

**_Much better. What's your favorite type of candy?_**

Wonka bars. He owes me to, because of that neat trick with an elevator I did for him.

**_What's the best trick you've ever played?_**

Two words. Sparkling. Vampires.

**_Have you ever tried to trick Bobby Singer?_**

Fuck no! I don't have a death wish!

**_Did you do anything to mess with John Winchester?_**

I sent him Sam's acceptance letter to Stanford.

**_What have you done recently to screw with Sam and Dean?_**

I made Sam think he was getting drunk dialed by Dean.

**_Are you a player?_**

You gotta play to win the game. Yes.

**_What's the best pick up line?_**

Nice shoes… Wanna fuck?

**Bella Talbot**

**Good Enough Of A Con to Fool Them  
But not the fangirls!!!**

**_Rumor has it you're dating a vampire. Care to comment?_**

Vampires suck.

**_If you could date a supernatural creature what would you date?_**

A tall man who drinks demon blood.

**_Wait, isn't that a vampire?_**

No, that's Sam Winchester! …okay, maybe yes…

**_Who taught you all your cons?_**

Please, people learn from _my _example.

**_Who's your favorite author?_**

Carver Edlund, that man can write…and the series seems oddly familiar…

**_Are you a thief or a scumbag?_**

I'm a classy and upstanding model for society.

**_Bella, be honest. _**

I'm the best mother fucking thief there ever was! Check your damn pockets!

**_… _**

**_Wait, I could have sworn I brought a copy of Season Four with me!_**

Does it look like this?

**_Bella!_**

Here you go. Out of the generosity of my heart.

**_How kind. What's your take on the apocalypse?_**

I'm excited to be free from Hell and have some demonic fun!

**_How were you taken to Hell?_**

I was carried to Hell in a dog sled, pulled by the Hell Hounds of course. That's how it always happens.

**_Why did you make a contract?_**

Because my Mummy and Daddy wouldn't get me a pony for Christmas.

**_So you killed them?!_**

To be fair, I only wanted their car to stop working when they were in front of the toy store.

**_Was it worth going to Hell?_**

YES! Hell was just a big party. It was sw_eeeee_t.

**_Did you do anything with the Colt besides hand it over?_**

Bank robbery.

**_Who has prettier hair you or Sam?_**

Oh my…Sam….mhmm…

**_Have you ever tried to con Bobby?_**

Fuck no! Do I look like I have death wish?

**_What did you do to piss Rufus off?_**

Gave him cheap whiskey.

**_And-_**

I have to be going now. Ta!

**_Bye!_**

**_Where the fuck did my car keys go?_**

**_That bitch. _**

**o-o-o-o-o**

The Author looked at the list her hand. There was an impressive list of check marks next to the show's characters. She smiled proudly. Only a few more, and her job would be complete. A faint rusty creaking noise could be heard in the distance. The Author swallowed nervously, afraid to be caught off guard in the unfamiliar universe.

Breaking Fourth Wall had taken years of scientific study, and hard work. To loose it all now, would be a tragic waste of her short life.

The mere idea of a battle between the fans, the glue that held the fandom together, had put tremendous strain on the laws of physics. Her journey home was bound to be difficult to navigate past the new tears in the universe. Suddenly there was a pinging noise as the walls of reality crashed down. The echoing burst of shattered brick and stone made her jump a foot in the air.

"Holy shit!" she screamed as she looked at the broken Fourth Wall.

Before her stood an army. But as she looked she saw a division running down the middle. "Samazons and Divas?" She gasped, "What are you doing here?"

"WE ARE HERE TO DEFEND OUR HONOR!!!" several yelled.

The crowd cheered and yelled battle cries in agreement

"How did you even get here?" the Author grumbled.

"Sheer force of will and brute strength!" Several yelled in unison.

"Telekinesis!" Another added meekly.

"What have I done?" The Author sighed as she shook her head warily.

"Something amazing!" A few cheered.

"Well, come along," the Author waved a guiding a hand. "Let me show you around."

Chaos broke out, the bowels of Hell shrank back in fear, and the Angels flew to the farthest corners of Heaven to hide in fear.

But the story wasn't over yet.

**To B---**

"Wait! When's the battle?" A fan squeaked.

The Author stopped scribbling and looked up furious. "I'm working on it! Can I just finish this chapter already?"

"Fine," the fan pouted. "But I better see some action soon."

The Author pointed. "Dean's over there."

She skipped along.

**To Be Continued**

**HELP:** In your review, I need a name you like to go by. Like, Amber, Elise, or something. And a hair color/ vague height. Like: long haired blonde/ short. This is so the warriors of Sam and Dean have names instead of Warrior A glared menacingly at Warrior 23.

**ALSO:** The next chapter is devoted to the characters who are awesome but died. Comments?


	11. Rest in Awesome

**WARNING:** This chapter is made of awesome. And I fully expect the reviews to reflect that.

PS. THANKS FOR ALL THE NAMES. Not all are in this chapter, but I'm going to use more as this insane fucked up story progresses.

**FBI Agent Victor Henricksen  
_We Told You It Was Supernatural…_**

**_So you really must feel like an idiot now, huh?_**

**_You shot the sheriff?_**

But I did not shot the deputy. Was out of bullets, sadly.

**_After finding out your entire reason for hunting Sam and Dean was false how did you react?_**

I was like- Thank God! There was no way I could have kept up with those BAMFs much longer.

**_How much training did you have?_**

Enough to deal with normal shit.

**_Now that you know what's out there what do you want to do next?_**

I really want to buy a nice new convertible, some good music, and road trip till I find as many evil sons of bitches as I can.

**_The day after the prison siege…what happened?_**

This little girl came in and was like- "I wanna kill Winchesters. Help please?"

She was totally adorable, but I yelled CHRISTO!!

**_So you knew she was a demon?_**

Yes! But I couldn't punch a little girl in the face.

**_The moral of this story?_**

SCREW MANNERS AND PUNCH PEOPLE IN THE FACE. It's for the greater good.

**_Pamela Barnes  
The best damn psychic in the state  
...Formerly_**

**_Why don't you skydive?_**

It scares the shit out my dog.

**_Did you see Castiel's true form?_**

Well, yeah, everybody has.

**_WHAT?_**

Why do you think he picked Jimmy? 'Cause they look exactly the same.

**_Then what did you see that burned your eyes out?_**

Castiel … puppies… ugh…you just don't wanna know….

**_Do you ever use your powers to win the lottery?_**

Wouldn't dream of it.

**_Then where did you get that Tiffany bracelet?_**

I see a death in your future.

**_Um, yeah...any real predictions? Like about Season Five?_**

There will be a copious amount of love and happiness … and Lucifer will wear a bowtie.

**_You're not a very good psychic, are you?_**

That's not true! Ask me anything!

**_How do you see the battle turning out?_**

The Angels will lose many; the Demons will scream for more blood…both sides will pay a terrible price for the violence to end…

**_I'm talking about the fandom war..._**

So am I.

**Mary Winchester  
This Foxy Lady Don't Give A Damn What Her Parents Say**

**_What was your first date with John like?_**

It was like ooh baby. Slow dancing at the prom. And killing the ghosts. 'Course John never knew why I kept sneaking off…but it was still hot.

**_Do you guys still hang out know that you're both ghosts?_**

Only all the fucking time.

**_Do you have a favorite place to haunt?_**

Cheap motels and hospitals in Seattle.

**_Why did your family start hunting?_**

When I was six, my Teddy Bear had Lollipop Disease.

**_Any advice for your sons?_**

Don't take the red pill. The answer is 42. The cake is a lie. One cannot simply walk into Mordor. Tribbles are trouble. Watch out for the Army of Twelve Monkeys. And don't fuck with Bobby Singer, you'll understand when your older.

**_Did you ever read Dean bed time stories?_**

Fight Club.

**_Why did you chose the name Sam?_**

WHAT? I told John to name him Awesome when he wouldn't let me name the other one SuperCool.

No ghost sex for him tonight.

**_Do you beat up other ghosts?_**

Only ones that mess with the Winchesters.

**Jessica Almost Winchester  
Doesn't Give A Shit If You Like The Smurfs  
She's Taken**

**_What attracted you to Sam Winchester?_**

Well, first I thought he was too nerdy, but hot damn I _love _that hair.

**_If you wear Smurf PJs wear the hell did you get a long white night gown?_**

At the local foreshadowing store.

**_Did you ever suspect him of having a second life?_**

Occasionally, little things he said.

**_Like what?_**

Like when he tried to blame his late paper because a Black Dog ate it.

**_What about his amazing battle skills, did you ever see that?_**

Battle skills? I kicked _his_ ass.

**_Have you ever met John Winchester?_**

Once, when I was hunting a poltergeist up in Texas on Spring Break.

**_You're a hunter?!_**

Lose the interrobang, chief. 'Corse I'm a fucking hunter.

**_How long?_**

Since my mother turned into a werewolf and my Dad and I grew up learning the craft. But that wasn't the life for me.

**_So you rebelled and went to Stanford?_**

Yes…and what's that squee-ing noise I hear?

**_Guys! I told you, you can come watch but you must be silent! Ugh! Sorry, Jess, where were we?_**

Something about how awesome I am?

**_Weere you ever planning to tell Sam?_**

As soon as he came back actually, I had a suspicion there was demonic activity on campus and I wanted to check it out.

**_You were right._**

And don't you ever forget it.

**Ash  
Show that hair the respect it deserves**

**_Who has the best hair on the show?_**

Sam Styln' Winchester.

**_WHAT?_**

I kid. OF COURSE IT'S ME.

**_That's what I thought. How much effort do you put into your hair?_**

Baby, hair this awesome is 100% perfection and just comes like that.

**_How much effort do you put into computer work?_**

Zero. It's a gift.

**_If I paid you, could you write a program to find sparkly vampires for me?_**

Damn! I'll do it for free, that shit ain't right.

**_What's it like working with Ellen?_**

Scary. I'd rather be hunting.

**_How did you get the job at the Roadhouse?_**

I promised not to touch Jo, and since I was the only employee who did…bada-bing.

**_Do you like Jo?_**

No.

**_Why?_**

Because she always gets wasted and complains to me about her love life. I'm pretty sure she has an account on MorethanBrothers dot net.

**_Who taught her scams?_**

Me! All the way! I invented the original cue ball scam.

**_Do keep the work place professional?_**

Never.

**_Do you keep the bar clean?_**

Only on a bad day.

**_Why?_**

BECASE IT KEEPS THE BAR AWESOME.

**Gordon  
Did somebody say Vampire?**

**_What pisses you off more, you being right about Sam or the fact that there is a coven of sparkling vampires?_**

WTF Sparkling Vamps! I'm on this!

**_Okay, next question- wait, where are you going?_**

Sporks, Washington.

**_Don't you mean Forks?_**

Yeah, whatever, I'll see them when I get there.

**o-o-o-o-o-o**

Sam touched Dean's clavicle bone. "Dean," he said seriously, "I think we should stand back…and just watch the fight from behind the battle lines."

Dean blushed at the Sam's warm touch. "Sam, don't you think this is wrong?"

Sam let his hand drop and looked away. "If this is wrong… I don't want to be right."

Dean nodded solemnly. "I'm going to go to the Divas campground then."

Sam huffed and flipped his hair. "Leave me then. I'll go to my Samazons…"

Dean smiled. "See you on the battlefield?"

Sam broke out into a grin. "Sure thing."

_At the Samzon Campground:_

Laura walked around the Samazon campground with a grin on her face. "Hey," she called to everyone she met, "we've got a meeting in fifteen minutes."

She surveyed the campground. It was a work of genius. Sam's tent sat atop the small hill overlooking the cluster of tents that contained the various warriors. And in the middle was their arena/ makeshift bar for fighting practice.

Evelyn walked up to her, "Do you have any battle plans?"

Laura rolled up her sleeves. "Oh, I've got a few."

_Yes_, she thought, _our cunning and organizational skills will surely win this battle._

But when she saw one of the tents collapse, she frowned a little. She'd just have to see what was going to be said at the meeting.

_At the Diva Campground:  
_

Rebecca walked around the campground with curious intent. She stumbled upon two Divas scribbling furiously. One was shaking her blonde head furiously as the other pointed energetically at the paper. "Whatcha doing?"

Lele gulped as she looked at her piece of paper. "We're drawing up a battle plan," she said blushing. "Divas are Xs and Samazons Os."

**xIoIo  
oIxIo  
xIoIx**

Neith threw down her pen. "Yeah, we've decided that the best way to attack is from a diagonal path.

Rebecca raised one eyebrow. "Really? Any other ideas?"

Lele brushed her auburn hair back into a short ponytail, so she could concentrate. With a glance of approval from Neith , she pulled out another piece of paper. "Or this," she smiled brightly.

**xIoIx  
xIxIo  
xIoIo**

"Taking 'em head on?" Rebecca nodded approvingly. "I like it."

Neith high fived Lele. Rebecca started walking away. "I'll see you girls later!"

As she continued her journey across the campground she ran into Nikki. "Hey! Nice hair," she smiled pointing at the flame red tips of Nikki's long brown hair.

"Yeah," Nikki, threw it over her shoulder. "I wanted to show my team spirit."

Rebecca pointed at her purple bangs. "Oh hell yes."

"So," Nikki kicked at the dirt as they walked along. "Do you think we're gonna have any sort of legit battle plan?"

Rebecca pointed to the open area in the middle of the campground. "I think we're about to find out."

As she spoke, Divas were milling into the arena to discuss the details of destruction. One Diva, Becka turned to her friend as asked, "When can we kiss them?"

Soon, Ladies, soon.

**To Be Continued**

**intereobang= ?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!**

**and yeah, that was tic tac toe battle plan style**

**  
IN YOUR REVIEW:**

**a) the name you want for your campground, and yes the best name will be chosen and then used. **

**b) a battle cry for your team. example given: WE ARE CLASSY!!!! ... and yes, make all caps. **

**c) for sheer amusment make up a tottaly random battle plan, and post it your profile/ and or review. Divas= Xs Samazons= Os **

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx vs. oooo **

**as the Joker as said, "And here...we...go..."**

ps. the next chapter is angelic. comments? questions? concerns? more squee?


	12. Holy Shit

**For The Record: **I am not anti-any book of religion, and am completely pro Religious Tolerance. Enjoy!

**Winner: JewelGirl04 **and**enviousxbeauty, **they both gave great ideas, and it became: **ApplePie Metallicamp. **That's not to say the others idea were not equally excellent, it was a hard decision.

**Battle Cries: **You guys impress me as much as you scare me. When your done reading this, go read the reviews for Chap 11, there are some great battle songs.

**Holy Shit**

**Anna  
_Walking Blasphemy of Awesome_**

**_Did it hurt?_**

What?

**_When you fell from heaven?_**

…Yes?

**_What happened- Why did you fall?_**

It's because I got Castiel wasted one night.

**_Just one?_**

Well, this time we also convinced him to get a tattoo.

**_We?_**

… I can say no more…

**_Who's the most bad ass angel in the garrison?_**

You better believe I'm the biggest Bad Ass Mother Fucker in the Garrison!

**_Formerly, of course._**

You show me one of those dicks with wings that actually dares to try and take me in, and just maybe I'll retract the former statement.

**_Where did God go?_**

I went… I mean He went to go settle an old score with some bad Fans who were fucking up his creations with their books.

**_What book are you talking about?_**

First there was the Books of Moses, and then somebody wrote another one. There was a new OC and _man-_ he was a total Mary Sue. But it didn't stop there, there was a third version and it totally changed the Cannon.

**_Where did the Devil go?_**

The Devil went down to Georgia, he was looking for a soul to steal.

**_Do you understand mortals better because you've lived as one?_**

Dude, I had to be a _teenager. _I still don't know what was up with that shit.

**_Did you ever apologize to the Impala for taking her one true love?_**

She got to watch. That should be good enough for her.

**_How good is the channel reception on Angel Radio?_**

To good. I really wish I could've shut it off!

**_Do they ever play anything decent?_**

Well, mostly country and emo music but the day Dean Winchester was saved they played the best of mullet rock.

**_Any thoughts on the coming war?_**

Only a warning: Be careful what you wish for.

**Uriel  
_Join Team Uriel, now!  
…and get your ass kicked by Anna_**

**_Who's the funniest angel in the garrison?_**

Why, me of course. Mwhahahaha.

**_What's the best joke you've played on them?_**

Convincing them I'm good natured.

**_Why did you join Lucifer?_**

He gave me a caramel apple.

**_What was your favorite time period to watch?_**

The Warring States period.

**_Did you ever influence any writers?_**

There was this one writer…always whining about happy endings. I fixed that.

**_What was his name?_**

Let me see, Wheat, Whip, no… wait, J. Whedon. That's it.

**_How do you kill another Angel?_**

Overload them on cute.

**_What's your favorite part about being an angel?_**

Super fine sexy angel wings!

**_What color are they?_**

It depends on my mood.

**_Now?_**

Purple with pink polka dots.

**Zachariah  
_Dick with Wings_**

**_Why are you such a complete and utter jack ass?_**

Hey, when the Cat's away, the socially repressed, forced to watch every dull moment, power hungry mice will play. Or mouse.

**_Who ordered Dean Winchester be saved?_**

Anna did, back when she was my boss.

**_Anna was your boss?!_**

Yeah, I showed that bitch.

**_That's it. Ladies, come here. _**

Where did all these people come from? And why do you have scissors?

**_Clip his wings! Now!_**

Nooooo!

**_DO NOT FUCK WITH OUR FANDOM, DICK. _**

**Michael  
_Heaven's Ace in the Hole_**

**_If you could possess anyone who would it be?_**

Dean.

**_Why?_**

Gotta love that hot hair.

o-o-o-o-o-o

Anna tapped on Dean's shoulder. "Dean," she said softly, "what exactly do you think is going to happen?"

Dean looked at her and shrugged. "Hopefully something awesome."

They both sighed. Dean looked up, "By the way…Nice shoes."

"Not now," she glared.

Dean rolled his eyes. "Whatever. I'm headed back to the Apple Pie Mettalicamp. See you later?"

She smiled sadly. "I'm just gonna go, something's up with Zach."

She flew away. Sam walked next to Dean. "What was that all about?"

"I don't know." Dean waved a dismissive hand. "I've gotta go check on my girls, they all went missing today and I suspect something has gone horribly wrong."

Sam smiled. "Funny, you should say that. Mine vanished as well. Anyway, I'm off to Camp Crystal Lake, but I wanted to say bye."

They hugged. Then departed for their camps.

Meanwhile the fans where returning from their bloody task, wiping feathers from their hair. Finished with that, they resumed their plotting. Danielle clapped her hands excitedly, her blue eyes glowing with power, "C'mon guys! I have some great ideas!"

**To Be Continued**

so, yeah, that was the last interview unless you can remind me of another character. otherwise the next chapter is straight up battle.

**INPUT REQUIRED:** i think i shall rewrite Dean's chapter. questions? comments? concerns?

**as the Joker as said, "And here...we...go..."**


	13. THE BATTLE PLAN

**It seems oddly appropriate that this is Chapter #13. Because it's just _that _lucky. **

**THE CHAPTER WHERE NOTHING COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG**

**Really, this plan is more solid than Dean's Abs or Sam's Pecs**

At Camp Crystal Lake, the army shouted ideas back and forth. In the midst of confusion, one warrior stood up. She looked a little lost as she made her way to the podium but her loud voice commanded attetion. "Look, it's simple," said Liv to the crowd of Samazons. "We just haveto kidnap the one thing they love the most."

"Puppies?" Evelyn added, helpfully. She bobbed her head excitedly, her dark brown curls flying everywhere.

o-o-o-o-o

"No! Not Kittens!" Nikki snapped at the back row of Camp Applepie Metallicar. She pointed at her fellow Divas. "Sam."

A wave of understanding swept through the army.

"We need to kidnap him." Nikki said for clarification.

o-o-o-o-o

"But how can we do that?" Lizzy trembled. Erica patter her shoulder.

Liv smiled at the army. "Are we or are we not Bad Ass Killer Ladies?"

People threw their fists in the air.

o-o-o-o-o

"And are we or are we not classy?" Nikki smiled.

Another cheer ran through the Divas as excitement built. "Damn straight!" Geeke called from the center.

"Then we will use our charms…"

o-o-o-o-o

"….to kidnap Dean Winchester!" Liv yelled over the roar.

The crowd broke out into applause. Nike raised her hand from the back ground, demanding attention, "And then what?"

"We will use him," Liv said matter of factly.

o-o-o-o

"For ransom," Nikki said rolling her eyes.

"And who will do this great thing?" Karoi stood up, a good foot taller than the rest of the crowd.

o-o-o-o

"Yes!" Evelyn exclaimed. "Who will do this honor?"

Liv looked around the crowd. She flipped a lock of soft brown hair over her shoulder. "I have specialist, in mind." She pointed to the back corner of the crowd.

o-o-o

People followed Nikki's outstretched hand to where Rebecca sat filling her nails. She looked up and gave a slow smile. "Bout time I got to use my skills," she smiled.

o-o-o-o

Kim, the scintillating sinner stood up smiling. "As you wish."

She was high fived, given enthusiastic cheers, and brought to the front of the crowd. Liv smiled, "Kim, before you go, take this lipstick."

Liv winked. Kim nodded. She turned to the warriors, "Tonight will be a night to remember!"

She walked out, and stealthily entered the other camp.

Sam looked up. He could hear his warriors causing a ruckus below, but he was to busy working on war plans to join the party. Sam sighed, before battle tomorrow; he planned to give them an amazing speech of encouragement. Perhaps a little gun show, show a little muscle. He wasn't really supposed to help out, but it was too much fun to resist.

Rebecca walked into Sam's tent with long strides. He looked up from all the maps and battle plans he had been studying. His eyes took an appreciative look at the long haired brunette with purple bangs.

She smiled seductively, and undid her ponytail. As her hair fell, so did her inhibitions. "Sam," she said breezily, "I've come to see if there is any more news for the warriors."

Sam stepped over to Rebecca. With her arms behind her back, she twisted her ringand let the cap fall off the secret compartment. "Nothing yet," he sighed, and waved a hand to the table. "But I'm working hard."

She leaned closer. "How about a small break?"

He smiled as she threw her arms around him. As their lips locked, she pricked his neck with her poisoned ring, sending him into a pleasant state of unconsciousness.

As Sam slumped to the ground Rebeccasighed. "We all gotta take one for the team," she huffed, dragging his body out of the campground. "Still wanna kiss Dean though…"

Meanwhile, at the Diva campground Dean was using all of his military training (but seeing as how John had faked his way through the Corps, it wasn't much) as he scoured maps of the area. As the flap to his tent opened, he reached for his gun but relaxed at the sight of the femme fatale. He was more concerned with what devious plans Sam was probably devising.

Kim tucked a lock of her short brown hair behind one ear. She gracefully walked over to him. Under a mask of shyness, she asked, "Sir? How are things going? I've come to see if you have any news for the Divas."

Dean picked up a map, and nodded. "Yeah. You can tell them…"

He turned around as she tapped his shoulder. "I didn't really come to talk about the warriors."

"Oh." He flashed a lopsided grin. "What can I do for you?"

She kissed him, and after a moment he kissed her back. He didn't taste the poison on her lips until it was too late. Dean fell into a dreamy unconsciousness.

As his body was stolen out of the campground, another one was roughly carried in. "Gently! Gently!" Rebecca's fellow warrior, Nikki, chided.

Nikki, grabbed Sam's arms as Rebecca's lifted his legs. "Why…is…he…so…damn….tall!" the girls grunted.

Whispers spread like wild fire throughout the campground. Soon, Sam's body was surfing on their raised arms to his room.

"Somebody should tell Dean we have the prisoner!" Lulu said excitedly.

Rebeccawas sent to their leader's tent, pleased to tell their leader of her good work. She gasped as she peeled back the flap to him missing.

"Dean!" She screamed and ran back to them breathless. "They got him!"

"But we have Sam!" said the group optimist, Ezra.

"I'm sorry," Mapomi hissed, "I thought you were a _Diva._"

"I just meant, we can cut his hair while we wait," Ezra corrected herself.

o-o-o-o-o-o

Before he was fully awake, Dean coughed out the words, "Don't hurt Sam! I'm the one you want!"

The giggles made him nervous as he blinked his green eyes into focus. He was tied to a chair in a very small room that somehow accommodated the Samazons.

"Oh, Dean," Kim smiled, "We really don't want you. And we wouldn't dream of hurting Sam."

Dean noticed Kim stood taller now, and with her armor on she was very threatening.

"So relax," Erica said from his right. "As long as no hair is harmed on Sammy's head, you'll be alright."

Dean struggled against his bonds, but to no avail. Like their leader, the girls were adept at researching. _How to Tie Up A Prisoner, _was one of their many required reads. As he looked around the room, he guessed _How to Fail at Decorating,_ was probably on that list also.

o-o-o-o-o-o

Sam woke up with one arm handcuffed to wall in a distasteful rendition of one of the many motels he had stayed at. _Of course,_ he sighed, _the Divas would have no style._

He glared at his surroundings. "Where's Dean?" he snapped at the most talkative looking wall.

No response. He figured it was safe to assume, he wasn't being watched to closely. After all, these were _Divas _he was captured by. He used his free hand to pull a bobby pin from his hair. Double checking that he could see no one around, he began to pick the lock.

As he jammed the pin angrily into the lock, he once more cursed himself for agreeing to this battle.

The pin broke with a little snap. He swore. _Cheap bobby pins, _he grumbled, _that's why I need so many. _

Little did he know just how much vigilance, perseverance, and bad ass skill Divas had when situations involved Sam. Just outside the door, two Divas were stationed to watch his movements. Danielle was showing Samantha the handful of paperclips and bobby pins she had secured from Sam. "I can't believe I missed one!" she shook her head sadly.

"Whew," the other guard gasped, "that's a lot of pins. Can I have one?"

"Sure. But they might break…"

"Every thing breaks," Samantha said cryptically, glancing over her shoulder at their prisoner. She secured the pin in her long red hair. "Everyone does."

**Most Definitely To Be Continued**

**HOW TO WRITE A REVIEW 101:  
**Squee-ing is love.  
Swearing is amusing (example: Fuck Yeah!)  
Anything in CAPS is EXCITING  
Emoticons rule  
Reviewing Period Is AWESOME!! HELL YES!! ( :

...and of course, threats of your continued reign as the superior fan girl are completely understandable. but you'll still come off as crazy...

GO FORTH AND CONQUER: EVERYONE WHO READS THIS TODAY JUST WON A FREE BOTTLE OF WIN TO MAKE THEIR DAY MORE AWESOME.


	14. LETS TALK WAR

Just a reminder to everyone who reviewed and talked about jumping ship to either switch sides or just go rouge: Benedict Arnold was executed.

**Chapter Fourteen: **_THIS ISN'T JUST A WAR. THIS ISN'T JUST A FANDOM.  
THIS IS SUPERNATURAL!!!!_

Castiel tapped the side of his hot coco mug with his stirring spoon. "Ahem!"

The noise in the room became silent. "Welcome all to Bible Victory Camp." He said, "I'm here to discuss what we- myself and you, the Castiel Cheerleaders- can do to make a difference in the world."

He smiled at his audience as they smiled back. Castiel frowned a little when nobody spoke. "Mr. Wuffles? Tiny Annie?"

The audience of assorted plush continued to stare at him with soulless button eyes. He sighed and slumped in his chair. Tiny Annie gave a small cough. "Oh no," he sighed, "Don't tell me you have lollipop disease?"

He reached into his trench coat pocket and pulled out a handful of lollipops. Castiel threw them around the table. "Here you go… damn addicts."

"I wish Dean was here," he mumbled.

o-o-o-o-o-o

The Impala rolled across the barren field, attached to her antennae was a large white flag. She honked her horn until two representatives from each side came out.

Circling the two representatives were snipers who lay in the grass, hidden by the dense fog. They had orders to spring if things escalated too far, but otherwise to remain hidden. Nikki moved forward to address Evelyn.

"Hello," she said forcing politeness.

"Hello," Evelyn hissed, in no mood to be pretentious.

Nikki crossed her arms over her chest. "You have something of ours."

"And you have something of ours," Evelyn argued. "I believe we need to make deal."

John Winchester floated onto the feild waving his arms. "Wait! These are my sons you're talking about!"

They turned to face him. "What do you want Winchester?"

John put his hands on his hips. "I order you to stand down. And stop this."

Nikki glared. "Shut the fuck up John. Nobody wants any of your bull shit orders. Go away."

"Yeah, go back to Camp BAMF… you Befuddled Asshole Mindless Fool." Evelyn snapped.

John quickly disappeared completely shamed. Nikki high fived Evelyn, "That was sweet!"

Then they realized they were participating in an act of friendship and dropped their hands awkwardly. "So," Evelyn coughed, "the terms of your surrender?"

"We will never surrender!" Evelyn declared.

A couple of the Diva snipers had to stifle their cheers. "But," Nikki clarified, "We will discuss the terms of getting our Dean back. Unharmed, of course."

Evelyn give a sly smile. "A little lovin' never hurt anybody. Did you know that Dean Winchester's lips taste like apple pie?"

Nikki glared. "You hurt him in any form, and we will donate Sam's hair to Locks of Love. There's enough to do it!"

Evelyn scowled. "Alright, alright, what is it we can do?"

o-o-o-o-o-o-o

"So, what you're saying Tiny Annie is that Mr. Snuggles stole your best button?" Castiel said, fascinated.

Mr. Wuffles stared at him with rapt attention. "Oh sorry," Castiel turned to Duke the Unicorn, "of course you can have more tea."

Anna walked in. "What the hell Castiel! Are you fucking insane?!"

Castiel set down the powder blue tea pot. He looked at his plush army of assorted teddy bears, elephants, puppies and unicorns. He blushed profusely. "No, I'm planning strategy."

"Well get your ass in gear!" Anna gestured for him to look out the window. "You know the orders! If we any chance of stopping this, we have to act now. The final seal is about to be broken."

Castiel stood up quickly, knocking over one of the chairs. He looked down. "Sorry Tiny Annie."

Anna looked around the room at the porcelain tea set, lace dollies, and miniaturized table and chairs. She shook her head sadly. "C'mon the demons are already in position."

o-o-o-o-o-o-o

Lilith pointed at Alistair. "You told me, 'oh no problem, Lilly. Sure thing, Lilly.' WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU CALL THIS?"

Alistair looked to where she was pointing. He swallowed and started to mumble something.

"No, shut up. I don't need your bull shit Al. I need to get work done. The angels are up to no good."

Alistair looked at Meg. Meg shrugged. "Lilith, c'mon, there's gotta be something we can do to help."

"Yes," Lilith said between clenched teeth. "Yes, you can do your DAMN JOB."

The Cross Roads Demon, Amber giggled. Lilith spun, "What are you laughing at?"

Amber shrugged. "It's just, the work is practically done for us."

Azazel rolled his eyes. "Amber anyone who read Cosmo's article on How Best To Make Out can do your job. At least we're," he pointed at everyone else, "Professional."

Meg groaned. "You haven't been professional since day one, please. Jamming peanut butter lids is the work of amateurs."

Lilith threw her hands in the air. "EVERYONE. CALM THE HELL DOWN. I can't think with all this noise!"

Alistair toyed with his knife. "Can we start the apocalypse now?"

Lilith roared. "I'M WORKING ON IT!"

o-o-o-o-o-o-o

"Okay, wait," Nikki looked back over the list she and Lizzy had written, "If I understand this right you want some of our weapons, Sam, and we get what?"

"Dean, for one." Evelyn pointed to the paper. "Some books on how to be classy, and how to fight. If you need help reading, we'll be happy to oblige."

"That's a rip off!" Nikki screeched. "We know how to fight!"

The Diva snipers snarled. Becka leaned heavy on her sniper riffle. "I'm just gonna do it. I'm gonna blow a fucking hole right through their smug heads."

Karoi glared at her. "Are you crazy? Not yet!"

Becka pouted. "This is bull shit!"

Nikki glared at the grass where she heard the snipers talking. Nikki cleared her throat loudly so they got the message. She turned back to Evelyn. "I've got a better idea. Take your 'fair trade' and shove it up your ass."

The Samazon sniper Kim giggled, "Oh, yeah way to prove you're classy."

Nikki continued, oblivious to the other snipers. "Here's what I propose: We'll just BREAK IN TO YOUR IDIOTIC CAMP AND TAKE WHAT'S OURS."

Eveyln scratched her head. "Oh, clever. The itty bitty Divas wanna fight. Tell you what, WE'LL TAKE YOU. Here. At dawn."

Nikki nodded. "Fine, we'll be here. To kick your scrawny ass."

They both spit into their palms, and shook sealing the deal. Evelyn said her goodbye and started to walk away. "Make sure to stand tall."

After they left Nikki blinked a couple more times. "Hey! Wait a minute!" She called after them. "Was that a short joke? Dammit!"

Her fellow Divas came out of hiding, and sheathed their weapons. They went back to camp furious.

"See?" Meg hissed at Amber from their vantage point. "That's how you make a deal."

o-o-o-o-o

"Let's see," Cirque looked over the weapons they had at Camp Apple Pie Metallicamp. "We've got knives, shotguns, the Colt…"

"We have the colt?" Ezra squeaked.

Cirque inspected the ancient weapon. "Well, yeah, wow. And we have, a whip, a samurai sword, a machete, and let's not forget to mention our bad ass fighting skills."

Ezra held up her weapon. "And my bunny."

The bunny flopped its ears and snuggled its armor plated body closer to Ezra.

Cirque smiled deviously. "Think that's enough to teach them a lesson?"

o-o-o-o-o

"Oh definitely," Liv smiled at Kim.

She pointed at their weapons. "We have a super soak filled with honey, two bats…"

"One wrapped with barbed wire," Kim said pointing to Lucille, her weapon of choice.

Liv continued, "And the pen to slay them with words…"

"Also to write their obituaries," Lizzy added.

Liv smiled. "Niiiice. Also looks like we got poisoned arrows, knives- oh! -the demon killing knife, and guns."

"Well, we're all set." Kim said smugly. "Let's go check on our prisoner."

**To Be Continued**

**IN YOUR REVIEW:  
**Leave the name of your prized stuffed animal, and it's species (imaginary or real). And it may not be a Supernatural Action Figure. AND DON'T ASK WHY.


	15. ATTENTION, plz

~~~~~~~~~**We at Victory Bible Camp**~~~~~~~~~  
**o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o** humbly invite you **o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o**  
~~~~~~~~~~**to the wedding of**~~~~~~~~~~~

Tinny Annie, and her beloved Mr. Wuffles

**_September 20th, 2009_**

Please R.S.V.P. as we await your much anticipated attendance.  
It is an outdoor wedding, so please plan accordingly.

We expect no problems with this wedding, unless somehow chaos breaks out and a war should occur.


	16. All's Fair In Love and WARRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

**THANKS TO EVERYONE WHO RSVP'd and SAID YES!!!**

DON'T BE OFFENDED if your not mentioned or if your ass gets kicked, because there is more battle comming.

**Chapter Sixteen: **TONIGHT WE DINE IN….Canada, where they film. It'll be awesome. OH, AND HELL TOO.

The bloody sunrise was prophetic as the grim lighting played across the overgrown field that nestled between small hills. The grassy valley had seen better days; family picnics and soccer tournaments. Today a new history was going to be written in blood dripping down to the roots. The grass had stopped growing, staying long and tangled. Flowers were seldom scene. One tall tree stood to the right with gnarled trunk and twisted branches that offered no shelter from the coming storm.

"Perfect," Lilith said standing at the top of the valley.

Alistair kicked at the ground. "I don't understand. Why are we even here?"

Lilith spun and glared at him. "You like to torture people, right?"

Alistair nodded. "Well then," Lilith said with clenched teeth, "think of all the people we can torture when the apocalypse starts."

"Oh I get that." Alistair coughed. "It's just, wouldn't it be easier to start the apocalypse be tricking one poor dumb shmuck into opening the last seal than two rabid armies?"

Lilith tilted her head to the side as she considered it. "Well, yeah… but this is more fun."

Azazel frowned. "You mean I did all that work for _nothing?_"

Lilith rolled here eyes. Oh, how she hated having to deal with demonic egos. "Look, Az, baby, you did a good job springing me out of hell and all, but that whole psychic army crap? Completely unreliable."

Azazel glared at her. Meg patted his shoulder. "It's okay man, you did a good job. But really, this is going to be so much _more _awesome."

Azazel pushed her hand off his arm. "Whatever."

Amber clapped her hands together. "Look! Here they come!"

The demons fell silent as they turned to see who entered the field.

o-o-o-o-o-o-o

"Anna? Are you okay?"

Anna turned her head away from Castiel to hide her face. Just for a second, until the despair she felt, and the panic quickly passed. "Fine."

Castiel looked over the field. "There's no way we can stop this. There's to many of them, and not enough _us._"

Anna nods. "Where's the garrison when you need it?"

Castiel snapped his fingers. "That's it. Anna, I have an idea."

o-o-o-o-o-o

Chuck woke up from his daily drinking binge. He stretched and accidentally knocked over some lose papers. One in particular fell in to his hand. He had dismissed it earlier as drunken writing and not actual prophecy, but as he looked at now…

_And lo, the universe tears as they tear. As the schism splits between them and their armies the gateway of destruction is nigh. When all hope is lost, a third army will appear with a stuffed life. Beware the one eyed leader._

"Oh, yeah," Chuck nodded, "I was totally drunk when I wrote that shit."

He wadded it up and tossed it into the wastebasket. Turing back to his computer, he continued to revise Everything Goes To Hell In A Hand Basket.

o-o-o-o-o-o

With the intent of surprising the other army, each side appeared ready for battle one hour prior to their meeting time. Kim surveyed the approaching army. She turned back to her fellow Samazons. "Well ladies, it may look like we're out numbered…But remember, We Are Not OUTCLASSED."

With a roar the Samazons marched into the valley screaming, "LET'S GET SOME APPLE PIE!!"

Ezra watched the army run down the hill. She smiled and looked down at her fury compatriot. "Are you ready?"

The bunny raised it's self on its hind legs and growled. Ezra smiled. "Good, then."

She let out roar and the other Divas yelled as well. Danielle turned to her friends and smiled, "Let's lock and load, ladies."

The Divas charged down the hill yelling at the top of their lungs, "D DAY IS HERE!!!"

The Samazons only laughed louder. "THEN WE'RE OPERTATION OVERLORD!!"

o-o-o-o-o

Dean felt the rope burn develop on his wrists as he twisted and squirmed. He looked around the small beige room. Books littered the walls, blocking out the windows. A naked bulb hung down from the ceiling.

Just when he thought it couldn't get worse, the light bulb extinguished.

He cursed himself again for ever making such a stupid wish. Samazons …Divas…bah. It was intuitively obvious who the winner would be (DIVAS), he rationalized, and there had been no reason for it to escalate.

But secretly, he was enjoying the battle. If only he could get out of the damn chair and join the fight. As he wormed more in the chair his phone fell out of his pocket.

At his feet lay his saving grace. Kicking off one shoe, he used his toes to dial his favorite number. "Hello," the voice on the other end answered, "Pete's Pie Delivery, best apple pie in the state, how may I help you?"

"Damnit!" Dean stomped his foot on the end button. Now he was hungry, pie-less and still tied to the chair!

He tried to dial the number again. For tense seconds the phone rang…then finally…

A rewarding, yet gruff, "Hello?"

o-o-o-o-o-o

Sam was trapped in darkness. He blew out a puff of air, effectively throwing his bangs aside. Instantly, vision returned. His hair landed once more one his forehead-just in the corner of his vision, now- much to his agitation. Back when I had hair clips, he thought grumpily, this wasn't a problem!!

He looked around the small black and white room. His arm was handcuffed to a metal ring in the wall set right above the cot he sat on. From his corner he observed the bathroom, table, and chairs.

His tummy grumbled.

His pocket started to vibrate, and it startled him. Using his free hand he pulled out his cell phone. "Why didn't I think of that before?" He muttered as he opened it.

"Hello?.....Yeah, I'm fine… No, no, really. … Yeah, well Dean's a liar. …All righty, see you later."

He hung up with triumphant grin. Ever since Dean's death and rebirth, he was trying really hard to prove he could handle these sorts of situations on his own. Sam stopped smiling when the lamp died. His lip trembled as he tried to subdue his childhood fear of the dark. Sighing deeply, he pulled out the phone.

When it kept ringing he was afraid he wouldn't be believed. But when the gruff Hello greeted him he let out a sigh of relief. "Yeah? Sorry, but…uh, I lied. We're totally screwed."

"You idijt," the voice replied. "I'll be there soon."

o-o-o-o-o

As soon as they met on the field, the skies darkened. Kim was surrounded by two other Divas with knifes. She swung her bat hitting arms and knocking heads. Cirque ducked another blow, "Whoa…watch it!"

Liv, who had long ago abandoned any strategy quickly, cornered Ezra. As things looked dire, Ezra's bunny made an astounding five foot leap to land on Liv. "Oh, she's kinda sweet," Liv said misjudging the bunny's adorable twitching nose.

"One of us is." Ezra hissed before striking out with her fists.

Geeke ran across the field, her hair waving like a blood red battle flag. "EAT SILVER!" She screamed, firing her gun wildly.

Erica barely had to move to dodge the poorly aimed bullets. Lizzy was at her side brandishing her super soaker. As honey was sprayed, many fell complaining about their hair. Erica clapped her hands, "This will make such a great story later!"

"If we live," Lizzy said, "Because tonight we dine in HELLL!"

Samantha and Danielle waved their samurai swords with deadly grace as they edged closer to Samazons. "Hey, Danielle…"

"What?" Danielle asked, knocking over a Samazon as she spoke.

"Wasn't it awesome what we did to Sam last night when we were guarding him?"

"Yeah," Danielle laughed, "He screams like a girl."

Evelyn gasped at just the hint of violence against her leader. "No fucking way!" She screamed taking the two devilsh Divas head on.

Nike squinted at the battle scene. She judged who looked to be the weakest and ran for it. Nikki however, was more than just a pretty face. As it turns out, they were pretty evenly matched. A couple people stopped fighting just to watch them to their deadly dance.

Then the clouds parted, and from the Heavens descended ROBERT FUCKING SINGER, but don't you dare call him Robert. He will not hesitate to slap a bitch.

Bobby (it's cool, we're friends. I can call him Bobby) spread his arms wide. "My children," his voice boomed, "how dare you start such an act of violence!"

For a moment, there was total silence on the battle field.

"WITHOUT ME?!" Bobby dropped to the ground and started yelling. "NOBODY TOUCHES THE WINCHESTERS ON MY WATCH!!!"

"Oh shit!" Cirque called, running to get out of Bobby's way. She dropped her knife made it back to the base camp in record time. Standing breathless in front of the two anxious guards, she tried to gesture just how epically things had become fucked up. "We …need to release …the prisoner!" She gasped. "Or …else …we're …all… SCREWED!"

The demons started to pop popcorn, and relaxed as they watch the hinges of the last seal began to break.

o-o-o-o-o-o

Tiny Annie checked the coast was clear. Unspoken doll code specified livelihood only without humans around. She sighed and brushed dust off her cloth form. Fluffy, the purple poodle barked hello. "Hey, girl! Are you going to work on your dress?"

Tiny Annie nodded enthusiastically. "Oh yes, I was just about to try it on."

Pirulai the bear walked over. "This wedding is going to be awesome!"

Just as the girls really started to get giggly, Anna and Castiel burst through the door. They dropped to the floor, inanimate. "Okay," Castiel pointed to them, "This is my prized collection…hey, why are you guys on the floor?"

He tsked and picked them up gently. Anna tapped her foot on the floor. "Are you sure this will work?"

Castiel nodded straightening Tiny Annie's delicate features. "Of course." He set her down and took a deep breath.

Anna and Castiel focused deeply on their objective, blue power glowing behind their eyes. After a minute's concentration they weren't the only one's living in the room.

"Can I have some more tea?" Joel the monkey asked politely. Lodi the lime green bear held up her cup, also.

Anna looked around at the miniature force that busied itself with tea and biscuits. Zakkiah the bear was throwing sugar cubes at Duke. "There's a problem."

Castiel picked up Godzilla, who growled slightly. "I see what you mean," he patted the dinosaurs head lovingly. "Nobody would want to harm these little guys!"

Anna eyed the Care Bear that had half a rainbow off. "Riiight. But, nobody will see them…the grass is too tall…the battle is too thick…"

Castiel looked puzzled for a minute. He smiled. "Anna, what makes us bad ass fighters?"

"Pft, because we're AWESOME."

"Well, yeah," Castiel rolled his eyes, "but we have _wings."_

"Oh…. OH." Anna looked at the force milling around here feet. "Let's do this."

Holding out their palms power resonated in the room. The odd sized army began to shudder and grow wings. Big Dog, the small Dalmatian yipped as polka dot wings grew from his shoulders. Excited, he took flight and circled the room. Finally he landed on Castiel's shoulder and licked his face. Castiel smiled at his and Anna's work.

Castiel beckoned for them to come close. "Look, guys, I need a favor."

Pie the Duck looked up at Castiel adoringly. "What about?"

He pointed out at the window where the battle raged. The two frogs plopped up to see. "Oh no Mr. Froggy," said Mr. Froggers. His wings twitched.

"Oh no is right Mr. Froggers," Mr. Froggy, agreed levitating slightly.

Osito Viejo, the oldest and sagest of the Tedy Bears looked at Castiel with somber eyes. "But what can we do, we are but animals of fluff."

Castiel shook his head. "I just need a distraction. We have to get the armies attention, so they listen to me for just few minute."

Mr. Wuffles the black teddy bear stood next to Tiny Annie. They held each other's paw. Mr. Wuffles gave a tiny sigh. "It'll be a honor."

Anna pointed to him. "Mr. …Wuffles, is it? Can you take command?"

He looked as his fiancée, then back to Anna. "Yes, Ma'am."

"Good." Castiel sighed. "Let's get going then. We don't have time to waste."

The animals got into a line. Anna and Castiel agreed between them selves that some, like Osito Viejo were to awesome/delicate to battle. Slowly, the army of the toughest most bad ass animals began to march out.

Before they parted, Mr. Wuffles took Tiny Annie aside. He touched her soft blonde curls and sighed. She was staying behind to keep watch over Victory Bible Camp. "Promise me you'll come home?" she begged.

He lifted one paw up to his face. With a soft pop, he removed his button eye. "Here," he said, "take this…so you know I'll always come back."

Tiny Annie took the emerald green button and kissed him. "I love you."

He smiled. "I love you, too darling. I'll see you again, I promise!"

Mr. Wuffles left her clutching the button to her chest as he walked away to lead his miniature army.

"Be safe," she said into the breeze.

Outside, a mine exploded.

She looked at her wedding dress sadly.

**…to be continued…**


	17. Cas's Army of Fallen Angels

**ATTENTION ALL READERS: **I am handing everyone out a rotten tomato and vinegar to use during today's chapter.

**HOW TO USE: **

When those pretentious warriors of Apple Pie Metallcamp show their face throw a tomato… how much of a diva can they be with tomato on their face?

When those whiny warriors of Campy Crystal Lake show their face throw vinegar … how much of a samazon can they be if they don't have great hair?

**EVERYTIME YOU SEE ONE OF THOSE WARRIORS. **

And, oh god, yes include any rotten vegetables/fruit you have.

**Chapter 17: Valley of the Dolls **

Chuck chuckled and took another sip of his whiskey. He hit his keyboard a couple more times. The words blossomed in to life on the computer screen.

_The witch cast her spell. Dean looked at her. "Well?" he demanded. _

_Sam shrugged. "I don't feel any different…"_

_At those words, there be a magical popin' and Sam begun to jerk violently. The old hag screeched, howling with laughter as Sam started contorting. Dean looked around for sumething, anything to do…_

_But it's too late. A small orange tabby looked up at him. "Mew," Sam said pitifully._

"Purfect," Chuck smirked. His archangel looked over his shoulder and squinted a few times.

"You've got a few errors," he said causally.

Chuck chucked an empty beer can at him. "Oh shut up."

The Archangel caught it deftly. He sniffed the can, curiously. "C'mon Chuck," he pleaded, "we've been stuck inside for _hours _and I'm bored. Can't you please do something reckless today?"

Chuck turned away from his computer to glare the Archangel. "Archie…" he started to say before the headache gripped him. The vision blurred into his reality…

…the sun hanging in the sky …observing the festival of destruction…. Grim clouds meandering across a grey sky bathing the field in the muted tones of death…. It was no wonder things had gone to hell….a tall brunette was viscously attacking… armor clad bodies sweating furiously in the vicious heat but never once breaking down…

Chuck snapped up. "Archie," he said seriously, "I just may have something for us after all."

Archie took an inquisitive sip of beer that had been left on the book case. Raising one eyebrow, he swallowed all of the odd amber liquid. He looked up with a devious smile. "Let's do this."

As they headed out the Archangel turned to Chuck. "You know my name's not Archie, right?"

"Look," Chuck explained, "If you're gonna follow me around for protection like some whiny bitch- I get to call you Archie. Now shut up, and let's head out."

Archie frowned, took another beer, and they left.

o-o-o-o-o-o-o

Mr. Wuffles flew ahead, leading the pack. Godzilla fluttered close to the ground blowing fire at patches of grass that disagreed with him. Joel circled higher and higher, even as Pie warned him to avoid the sun.

Castiel yelled at them as they flew. "Remember, break up every fight you can. No one needs to die today."

Fuzzy tittered on his unsteady wings. "Um, sir… what do we say to them?"

Castiel thought for a minute. "Tell them to look up. Look up to me."

Mr. Froggy and Mr. Froggers shared a look. "Do you think this will end well?"

Castiel shook his head sadly. "I hope so. But this is fandom, we're talking about."

Mr. Wuffles sighed.

o-o-o-o-o-o-o

As they hit the battle field they immediately split up, hoping to be more effective. Bobby had left minutes before when Ellen had called him sobbing. "Gots to go take care o' my woman," he said to no one in particular before he disappeared.

Zakiah tugged on Lele's hair to hold her back. She waved her sawed off shot gun angrily. Laura the Samazon laughed at her failing antics so much that it was a hindrance to her battling. Sick of Zakiah's crap, Lele took one huge step forward and knocked the bear backwards. "Stop. Your. Laughing. NOW!" She said throwing her fist into Laura's face.

Laura felt her sore jaw and gave a sly smile. "Oh please, sweet heart…this ain't no laughing matter."

Laura kicked her. Lele caught her foot and threw her to the ground, "THAT'S HOW IT GETS DOWN DIVA STYLE."

Elizabeth appeared from behind and hit her with her bat. As Lele fell over, she smiled. "And that's how Samazons do it! MUTHA FUCKING STEALTH STYLE!!"

Archie and Chuck stepped, or rather appeared on the battle field. "Huh." Was all Archie could manage. He opened another beer and took a long swallow. "This enough inspiration for you writer boy?"

Chuck looked around speechless. "This is to much… this has to be stopped."

Archie grimaced. "Oh. Fuck. It's Castiel." He shifted himself behind Chuck. "Hide me?"

Chuck rolled his eyes and called the angel over. "Castiel, please tell me you have a plan?"

Castiel pointed at what looked like- no, wait Chuck squinted- _was _an army of plush. "I'm trying to make them stop but—ARCHIE?"

"Damnit." The Archangel stepped out from behind Chuck. "Hey, Castiel. … What's up?"

Castiel snapped and soon Anna was at his side also glaring vehemently. "You broke the first rule," she said in a soft hiss.

Archie began to sweat. "N-n-no, guys, I promise. Really. Project Mayhem is a secret, just like I told Zachariah…"

Castiel folded his arms across his chest. "The first rule of the Garrison is you _do not talk _about the Garrison… Archie, you talked."

Chuck looked at the three angels, "Hate to break up your lover's quarrel, but serious issues here."

Castiel looked at his army of falling angels. "You guys, actually I got it covered here…but could do something else for me?"

o-o-o-o-o

"The first rule of the Garrison is do not talk about the Garrison," Archie said mockingly, "the second rule of the Garrison is to be a complete dick…"

Anna hit his head softly.

"Oh stop your whining, already." Chuck snapped. "We're almost here."

They landed softly at the back entrance of Camp Crystal Lake. Anna pointed her finger at Archie. "After this…you are dead, Archie, I swear to Bobby."

"God." Archie corrected.

"That's what I said." Anna said sharply.

Chuck looked around the perimeter. He turned back to look at them. "Anna, you may not kill my beta. Archie stop being a dumbass. Now focus!"

They rounded the corner of the campground and prepared themselves for something horrific. To their complete surprise, only one poorly armed stood guard at the door.

o-o-o-o-o-o

Joel the monkey did a back flip in the air as he dramatically landed between two battling opponents. Kaori hissed at the monkey. Her fellow warrior, Sarah, tried several times to shoot the screeching thing and missed. Evelyn the Samazon took advantage of the situation and executed a flying tackle. As she hit Kaori, the tall warrior fell over taking down Sarah. Evelyn had the advantage for all of one minuet but then her fists of fury were out matched.

Evelyn did not relent. Then to Sarah's surprise Kaori fell to the ground. A poison arrow was sticking out of her shoulder that kept her unconscious.

Evelyn turned to the Samazon archer and gave the thumbs up before continuing her attack.

Mapomi to the left had a wide circle around her. Several Samazons tried to approach her but instead felt her whip's sweet kiss bite into them. "C'mon ladies," she taunted, "don't you want to dance?"

o-o-o-o-o-o

Apparently it didn't take much to distract Samazons. Chuck sighed as he pushed the door open. He thought, _Maybe this wouldn't be so bad … Oh, fuck._

Anna gasped and snapped for a light bulb to come on. Chuck ran over and untied a limp and beaten Dean. Archie leaned in the doorway. He gave a long whistle when he saw all the books in the room. "So …what's the problem?"

"Archie you are…the…worst…muse…EVER." Chuck said with venom. "Can't you pretend to be helpful?"

Dean stirred. There was marks of abuse all over him. His lips had sloppily applied lip gloss, and the horrendous blue eye shadow that adorned his eyelids did nothing to bring out the luscious green in his eyes. The makeover had not stopped there however, Castiel suddenly realized what Dean was wearing.

He made a mental note to never, ever, no mater how much begging ensued, write down what he saw. The Author, after taking a quick break to calm her rage and emotional storm, silently agreed. It was just to…horrific?...awful?...or perhaps, worst of all…inspiring.

"Sam?" Dean muttered weakly.

Anna removed the butterfly clips from his hair gently. "No, Dean, it's Anna. Come on, stand up. We're freeing you…"

As if 100 volts of electricity, coffee, and pie were pumping through his veins Dean sat up quickly. "Thank Bobby."

Archie rolled his eyes. "God. You meant GOD."

Dean glared at him so solidly that Archie felt his soul literally get pierced. "I said God."

"Right. Let's go get Sam, shall we?" Archie gestured.

Anna and Chuck helped a wobbly Dean to his feet. He struggled to walk in six inch heels, but finally managed to walk steadily. "Um, Chuck?" Anna said hesitantly.

"Yes?"

"If this is a Samazon's idea of torturing Dean...What do you think the Divas did to Sam?"

Dean groaned.

o-o-o-o

Lodi the bear wiped a bit of blood from her paw. Another crisis averted as she glared at the two unconscious warriors.

Pie the Duck gasped. "How did you do that?"

Lodi smirked. "I play hockey."

Pie pointed to where he saw Rebecca fighting. "You have to show me. That bitch over there won't go down…"

Lodi cracked his knuckles. "With pleasure."

They flew forward.

o-o-o-o-o

Clara took her job guarding Sam very seriously. If anything happened to the tall gangly one, then Dean would be very sad. And she just couldn't have that. From inside the cell she could hear Sam talk away to himself. "Why, yes …I would love some tea…"

She sighed. He was so pretentious. She was just glad that her shift was almost over. Suddenly, she realized that someone was approaching. Clara resumed her military stance.

As Dean walked up, she almost didn't recognize him. "S-s-sir? Are you okay?"

"Fine." Dean said deadpan. "Fucked Up Insecure Neurotic and Emotional. JUST F.I.N.E."

Clara fidgeted. She tried not to stare at the outfit, but couldn't help it. It was a cross between Vouge and just plain awful. "What can I do for you?"

"Open the fucking door already."

Clara squeaked and opened the door. "Sorry…"

Dean, realizing he'd probably scared the poor darling, touched her shoulder. "It's okay Clara, I realize you were just doing your job…"

She smiled dreamily as he, Archie, Chuck, and Anna pushed their way inside.

This time Archie reacted first. He gasped. Then paused. "No wait. I still don't get… why am I supposed to care? What's my character's motivation?"

Chuck glared at him. "You are a fucking angel of the Lord. You are rebellious and flawed."

"Yeah," Archie drawled, "I'm rebelling against this shit."

Chuck threw his hands in the air. "That's it. I'm writing comic books."

"Sam?" Dean said softly, instantly refocusing attention.

They all looked over to the cot where Sam was rocking back and forth. Around him was a multitude of clown dolls. Even one cleverly disguised kitten in a clown suit that occasionally pawed at Sam. He shuddered. "I'd love a balloon animal, Whiskey."

Whiskey the Clown fell over. "Oh yes," Sam agreed, "Patches that is a lovely bowtie."

Dean looked at the others. "We are never speaking of this again."

Dean then walked over to Sam. He broke the rusted hook in the wall and freed Sam. Sam fell into his arms. "Sam? It's okay, it's alright… I'm here now."

Sam's wild and confused eyes wandered across the room and finally settled on Dean. Recognition flashed in his eyes. He was safe. "Dean." He smiled.

Anna jumped as she heard a large boom from outside. "Guys, we better go make sure Castiel is okay."

Archie shrugged. "Let's face it, Castiel is never 'okay.'"

Everyone now, including Sam, turned to stare at Archie.

He justified the comment with a muttered, "Just saying."

o-o-o-o-o

"You kissed … DEAN!" Samantha roared on the battlefield.

"Well we wouldn't have if you hadn't taken SAM!" Kim shot back, both literally and figuratively.

The bullet grazed Samatha's arm. She raised her sword and brought it down. Her aim was true, and Kim quickly broke into to tears.

"That took me two years to grow bitch!" Kim screeched pointing to the fallen lock of hair.

"Frankly," Samantha said dangerously, "I think you could use a little more off the top."

As she moved for the most damaging blow of all Godzilla swooped in. The dinosaur waved his short arms frantically as he tried to divert Samantha. He squeaked, "No! Stop! Look up!"

"Shoo fly you bother me." Samantha motioned for the beast to move aside. When he did, Samantha saw Kim was out of range. "Look what you did you stupid dinosaur!"

Godzilla sped away before she could do anything. Samantha groaned and turned to her friend Danielle.

Danielle was energetically discovering that she had angelic powers. This probably had something to do with the fact that Anna's extra grace had been accidentally switched with Danielle's favorite juice. "Oh my god Samantha! Check this out!"

Samantha looked to where Danielle was pointing. Piruali was trying to break up a fight by lighting as much as she could on fire. Momentarily, Danielle's eyes burned a light blue and with a flick of her wrist Piruali fell to the ground twitching.

Evelyn looked at the fallen teddy bear that had been attacking her and smirked. "And stay DOWN!" She threatened.

Samantha rolled her eyes. "Samazons always think they're _so _amazing. That was pretty rad Danielle."

Danielle's eyes started turning blue again as she said softly. "You ain't seen nothing yet."

Meanwhile, Liv and Lizzy were about to sneak up on Nike from behind when a pink Care Bear waddled in front of them. "Halt!" Fuzzy squeaked. "Castiel has a message for you!"

Lizzy picked him up from by the scruff of the neck. "What message?"

"Look up!" Fuzzy said, his wings flapping uselessly. "Look up!"

The two looked at each other and shrugged. They tossed the bear carelessly over one shoulder. He half flew, half waddled away. Fuzzy looked up and saw the other members of his plush garrison weren't fairing as well.

Fluffy the purple poodle circled in a wide arc barking at anything that moved. Voffsen, her fellow flying canine, rolled his eyes. "Really Fluffy? That's a tree. C'mon, I see two people getting really out of control…"

Fluffy shrugged. "Sorry. I thought I saw a squirrel…"

They dove away, ignoring the demon scout that leaned out from behind the tree. Alaistair made sure no one was watching as he pulled out his favorite knife. "It's time to cause some serious destruction…" he snickered.

Wielding the knife with years of practiced skill he craved into the bark of the tree a heart. In the heart he carefully spelled out: Lilith + Dean. "Is funny 'cause its true," he cackled, "well, sorta… oh, hell. I just hope it pisses somebody off."

He ducked as something flew close and then disappeared.

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking Mr. Froggy?" Mr. Froggers asked as he leaped onto Ezra's shoulder. She shrieked as a second frog landed on her.

"I think so Mr. Froggers…but where will we get the blueberries?" Mr. Froggy said from the top of her head.

Ezra's bunny leaped into stunning action, only to be carried away by the two frogs. "Good job Mr. Froggy." Mr. Froggers said as he held the squirming bunny's left paw.

"It does take certain finesse, doesn't it?" Mr. Froggy inquired as he held the squirming bunny's right paw. "To be as awesome as us?"

"Oh definitely." Mr. Froggers said as he let go. Mr. Froggy let go. "It would be nearly impossible if we were anything but frogs."

The bunny landed in the middle of the Samazon campground where it waddled around dazed and confused for several hours. The floating frogs watched it stumble around. Mr. Froggy turned to his green friend. "Mr. Froggers? I've got a confession to make. I'm French."

Mr. Froggers was for once, oddly silent.

Castiel was also working as hard as he could to pull people apart. Just for one glorious moment so he could get their attention. He sighed as he say the numbers of his army diminish.

"Stop!" Castiel waved his arms. His voice was strong, but the in the confusion it was merely a whisper.

Nobody moved.

Erica screeched as Geeke stuck her with the butt of her empty gun. Wiping blood from her forehead, Erica hissed, "You'll pay for that."

"Stop!" Castiel tried again, louder.

"Make me." Geeke taunted Erica playfully with vicious intent in her eyes.

Erica pulled out her knife and lunged forward. Geeke dodged and hit her, clearly with the advantage. Their fury increased their skill. Erica could hardly see her opponent as blood dripped into her eye. Geeke saw a fallen dagger and picked it up. Brandishing it she managed to cut Erica's arm.

Erica growled, angry to see that Geeke was only scratched. Barely even hurt.

"STOP!" Castiel bellowed waving his arms. His voice echoed across the field, finally getting the reaction it deserved.

Geeke looked up when Castiel yelled, startled. Erica saw her opening and slipped the blade between ribs. Geeke's steel gray eyes steeled themselves on the hard reality of blood falling freely onto her armor. "Oh," Geeke said softly, all edge to her voice gone.

She looked up as her adrenaline and vengeance fuelled her last movements. Erica faced her, still shocked that her blade had actually hit something, looked up to see Geeke swing the dagger in a wide arc.

The small blade bit into Erica's cheek creating a battle scar. They locked eyes, and suddenly Erica realized how terribly screwed things had gotten. Tears welled in her eyes. The words didn't mean anything now, but Erica tried to say, "I'm so sorry… I'm so…"

Geeke started to say something, but only life left her lips. Movement around them stopped as the first causality hit the ground. The furry fliers stopped buzzing around. Castiel looked at the fallen warrior and shook his sadly.

Castiel lifted Geeke gently from the ground. Small bits of blood stained his trench coat as her limp body seemed to float in his arms. His wings stirred lifting him up into the air so the armies could see her. Brushing her soft red hair from her gentle face, Castiel looked up with raw red rimmed eyes. "Don't you see?" He said softly. "Don't you see how wrong this is?"

The girls shuffled in place. Some looked at the ground in shame.

Castiel hovered a couple feet higher, his volume increasing as did his fury. "YOU ARE THE FANS! The very warriors who hold this universe together! And yet… Yet here you are, ripping it apart… creating the very APOCOLYPSE!"

Rebecca brushed a tear from her eye. She looked at Lizzy who stood next to her. They acknowledged each other with grim eye contact. "Sorry," Rebecca said softly.

Lizzy held up her water soaker in the air. "I'll throw down my weapon!" She screamed.

She loosened her grasp on the weapon. It hit the ground with a clatter.

"No no no no NOO!" Alistair running onto the scene. "Can't you see this is a trap?"

Amber tugged on Castiel's wing. "Cas!" She hissed, "Cas! Psst! Why don't you come down here and I'll make you a deal…"

Castiel looked down at her condescendingly. "No. I do not make deals with skanks."

Lilith glared at the crowd of warriors. "Ladies," she said smoothly, "don't you see why he wants you to stop?"

"BECAUSE HE JUST WANTS THE SHOW FOR HIMSELF!" Meg screamed.

Lilith glared at her. "That was my line, bitch." She mumbled, "God damn flunkies always fucking up."

Azazel pointed at Castiel and yelled, "ATTACK THAT LIAR!"

The fans looked at each other. They narrowed their eyes and looked from the rebellious grieving angel who had given up everything to save them to the demonic group of assholes. After a moment's indecision they finally realized the truth.

They shrieked in fury. The Samazons growled. The Divas hissed. Immediately the Divas tossed spare ammunition at the Samazons. "C'mon," Karoi hissed, "Let's do this right!"

Liv reloaded her gun. Loud enough for everyone to hear she said, "Did anyone tell you what happened to Zachariah?"

The warriors giggled, recalling the sweet taste of that minor victory. Lilith looked at their mischievous glaring eyes. "N-n-no," she stammered suddenly feeling very much afraid, "I mean…I heard he lost his wings in an accident."

"Oh yes," Mapomi agreed. "An accident alright. Guess what kind?"

Alistair looked around at the crowd circling him. "What?"

"THE KIND YOU IDIOTS ARE ABOUT TO HAVE!!" Evelyn screeched lunging forward at Meg.

Alistair, Meg, Amber, Azazel, and Lilith panicked. It was too late, they were surrounded by the angry pissed off united Warriors of Winchester.

Castiel hovered from his vantage point flinched as he watched them being torn apart. He looked down at Geeke. He touched her forehead with his index finger and whispered softly, _"Ad vitem"_

Her fragile frame shook. She suddenly opened her steel grey eyes and took a deep breath. Geeke looked up into Castiel's soft blue eyes and smiled. "Did I…am I? …what happened?"

"I gripped you tight and raised you from the battle," he said lowering himself.

He set her down on the ground. She wobbled slightly as set her feet on firm ground. "Thanks," she blushed. "That was pretty fucking awesome."

Geeke looked over at the mosh pit of death. "Huh," she remarked, "looks like I missed the most exciting part."

Castiel handed her a ball of chain. "There's still work to be done."

"Alright!" She looked at the weapon eagerly.

He started to walk away. "Are you leaving?" Geeke asked.

Castiel kneeled down and picked up the fallen Mr. Wuffles with stuffing leaked out of shoulder. Mr. Wuffles wings twitched as Castiel stood up. "I have business to finish."

He walked away.

Geeke shrugged. "Oh well, there's more fun to be had."

**To Be Continued**  
You all threw food at the screen, right? Of course. Good girls. ( ;  
**LET'S GIVE A ROUND OF APPLAUSE TO GEEKE!!!! **

**GOOD JOB GUYS!**

THE BATTLE'S OVER AND THE WAR IS ABOUT TO BE WON!!!

**GO EAT ICE CREAM or some other unhealthy shit that tastes delicous.**

**Archie and the gang will run in next chapter, no worries**

**VOTE NOW;**

**_Who do you want to be naked by the end of the story?_**

a) Dean Winchester

b) Sam Winchester

C) Castiel

D) Chuck


	18. We're All Mad Here

**Scenery Note: **Imagine a summer camp. A huge sparkling lake. Across the lake are two huge log cabins. One tiny one, too I guess in the middle. Yeah, that's what your base camp looks like. And about five miles to the right of the crystal lake is the battlefield. Just sooooo you guys are clear.

**IMPORTANT UPDATE: **Kripike just called me, absolutely sobbing. He wants to apologizes profusely for what he's doing to the Winchesters and sees the error of his ways now. He realized that I know what they want, and is letting me own them. First order of business, let's get Castiel stoned, eh? Oh and erm, let's make the boys get 'BFFs FOREVER' tattoos. That'll fix everything.

**Chapter Eighteen: ****We're All Mad Here**

Bobby was naked…without his hat on, he felt exposed. "Curiouser and curiouser!" he sighed as he walked around the camp in his jeans and tee shirt. Surely that hat had to be somewhere…

o-o-o-o-o-o-o

Samantha and Nike used their daggers to carve into Alistair. Samantha hissed as she whittled away at his thumb, "This is for year twenty nine…"

Nike grabbed his other hand. "And this is for year thirty!"

"Um, pardon me," said Laura politely. "Can I please beat him a little, too?"

The two Divas locked eyes with the Samazon. Without blinking they smiled. "Sure…and just so you know, his ribs are ticklish."

Geeke walked over with her ball and chain. "Is there anything left for me?"

Cirque jumped in the air when she saw her best friend and ran over to her. "Ohmigod I was so worried! I had to bitch out the author big time for killing you."

Geeke blushed. The Author shrugged, but carried on. Geeke looked at her friend, "Well, here I am… and look a mace!"

Cirque admired the weapon. "Cool, you can come try it over here on Meg."

They hugged briefly, and then resumed the beating of Amber, Meg, Azazel and one less than whole Alistair.

"Erm," Rebecca gulped, "I think we're done here…."

Nikki looked at the distorted demons. "Yeah, they're not going be hurting anyone anymore…."

The Warriors of WINchester let out a collective sigh and began to shuffle away to clean their respective wounds.

"Hey does this look odd to you?" Liv said to Danielle.

"I dunno…do cuts always ooze green?" Danielle said with concern. "I think we ought to go to the medical tent."

At the field medics tent the nurse was rushing from beside to bedside cursing in German and flinging bandages everywhere. "Where's the antiseptic? God damnit somebody get me clean bandages- he's dying here!"

Godzilla's wings fluttered and slowly his movements began to still.

Alexandria, the nurse, found what she needed. With practiced precision she carefully injected the life saving medicine into Godzilla's arm. He started to breath easier.

She tucked a lock of hair behind her ear and sighed. She looked up. "Alright," she said sweetly, "who's next?"

Liv looked around at the other patients. She wobbled forward. "Um…I am?"

Alexandria looked at Liv for a second then yelled over shoulder. "Who's got my stitching kit? Bring it here NOW before she dies!!"

Liv looked around panic stricken "Do you feel hot?" Alexandria said causally.

Liv nodded. "And have you been seeing spots?"

Liv started to hyperventilate. She could have sworn she had felt fine earlier… "Um, you know I think…"

"WHAT'S TAKING YOU GUYS SO LONG? Get over here now!" Alexandria yelled down the hallway again. "Just relax, darling, it'll be fine."

Mr. Froggy and Mr. Froggers hopped into the room with the kit. She took it from them and sent them to check on the other patients.

At the end of the hall in the last bed was Mr. Wuffles. Castiel sat beside him, watching for life. Mr. Wuffles twitched and murmured in the grasp of a nightmare as he fought for his life. Castiel looked sadly at the stitches that had reattached his arm, and the patches on his side.

"Will he be okay?"

Casitel looked up at distressed doll that had just walked in. She was wearing a little red dress and her hair was pulled up into a messy blonde bun. "Oh, Tiny Annie," he sighed, "I promise I'll fix this."

She walked over to her fiancée. She pointed at the love of her tiny life. "Miracle. Now."

Castiel shook his head sadly. "He has to pull out of this on his own."

Tiny Annie slapped him. "Then get out. I need to be with him."

Castiel left her by his side. She sat down by her love, small tears like diamonds falling from her cheeks, "C'mon dahling, you gotta pull through…"

Mr. Wuffles began to stir.

o-o-o-o-o-o

A shaken (not stirred) Sam leaned heavily on a wobbly Dean as they and the rescue party walked across the battle field.

Archie pointed to the meandering man. "Who's the fat guy?"

Chuck saw he was pointing to and jumped. "Heathen lower your hand! How could you not recognize BOBBY!!"

Archie shrugged. "Sorry, I only care about main characters."

Sam and Dean glared at Archie. "Chuck, who the hell is this and why isn't he dead on the spot for speaking blasphemy?"

Anna looked at Archie. "He is… one of the angels we just don't talk about."

Sam nodded. He looked at Bobby and waved him over. "What's up?"

Bobby came over to them. Sam and Dean cringed to see him hatless. Dean gasped. "And where is your hat?"

Bobby radiated intense power as he glared at Dean. "I have temporarily displaced it."

The Impala rolled up. "Hey, y'all! Sugar, what are you wearing?"

Dean blushed. "I'd rather not…"

The Impala honked, "C'mere baby, there's fresh clothes in the backseat."

Dean dived into the backseat. Literally took a flying leap and just dove into her embrace. "O Impala! You know how to take care me."

Sam rolled his eyes. "Okay…guys, we should look away…Do you two need to be alone?"

"Bobby?" The Impala called sweetly. "Darling, I think I have a spare hat for you…"

"Bobby! Come check this out!" Dean called from the leather clad interior of his soft Impala. "There's my favorite leather jacket, black tee! This is amazing…I love you, Impala."

Sam peered at the car, and for a second he could have sworn it blushed.

Archie looked away from the car and took in the view of rugged fangirls strutting across the field. He whistled appreciative at the blue eyed beauty passing him by. He smacked her ass. "Call me later." he called.

Geeke, and Cirque giggled. Their friend Jamie blushed profusely. As they walked, Cirque turned to Jamie, "What were you saying?"

Jamie looked over her shoulder. Double checked no one was in hearing range. "Look what I snagged!"

"Is it real?" Geek said breathlessly. "Is it really…"

"BOBBY'S HAT!" Cirque squeaked.

"Not so loud!" Jamie jumped in the air. "This thing is fucking priceless!"

The quickly ran off to the barracks at Camp Crystal Lake to squeal in secrecy.

Bobby adjusted the trucker hat he now wore. He looked at the Imapla. "It's not my _hat…_but it is excellent."

o-o-o-o-o-o

"I hate you."

"Shut up. This was your idea too, Al." Lilith glared at Alistair.

Azazel sighed grumpily. "Do you guys have any peanut butter?"

Meg leaned against the smoldering wall of her prison cell. "Damnit Az, stop whining about the peanut butter."

Azazel looked at her from his cell. "If we had peanut butter maybe we could jam the fucking lock…and get out of here!"

Alistair threw a rock at them. "Get a room guys."

"We have a room Alistair- IN HELL'S PRISON. YOU FUCKING MORON."

Alistair threw his arms in the air. "This is not my fault Miss-I-Cannot-Block-A-Punch!"

Azazel, Alistair, and Meg all turned to glare at Lilith. She frowned. "Hey, how was I supposed to know pitting two unstable easily swayed armies against each other in the hope that they'd destroy themselves to start the Apocalypse could backfire? Honestly?"

Amber walked through the door swinging the keys while whistling. "I totally knew."

Lilith looked up with a bright, cheery, completely fake smile. "Hey Amber! Did you come to let us out?"

Amber raised one eyebrow. "Want to make a deal?"

Lilith pressed one hand into her temple. She grumbled something. "Yeah sure, okay…what do you want?"

"Nothing! The warden will kill me if I let scum out on my first day as security!" Amber laughed and turned, "Hey, Al I have a message for you…"

Alistair looked up at her. "What?" he drawled.

"They gave Bella a knife, so …. You're fired. Bye guys!"

Amber walked away whistling. Alistair looked at Lilith. "I _really _hate you."

o-o-o-o-o-o-o

Chuck looked around. Archie was no where to be seen. Chuck breathed a sigh of relief. He settled himself down, cracked his knuckles, and turned his new computer on. Inspiration struck fast and furious. Soon he was typing as quickly as and odometer on a drunk NASCAR car. He laughed aloud as the ideas poured out:

_Dean opened the picnic basket with bated breath. To his relief, he discovered he had in fact grabbed the right one this time. He picked up the orange kitten with a big smile on his face. Pressing the kitten's nose against his nose he cooed, "Aren't you the cutest little kitten?"_

_Sam swatted his face and purred disdainfully. Dean frowned. "Oh, all right."_

_He set Sam down. Reaching into the basket he pulled out the antidote. After careful application, the kitten quickly shed most of its hair and grew to become Sam Winchester. Dean eyed his tall brother and giggled when he saw that Sam now had slightly orange highlights._

_"You weren't laughing earlier when you were a beagle." Sam accused._

_"Yeah, but we sure taught those angels a lesson, huh?" Dean smirked._

_They continued to joke about the day's events. _

_They All Lived Happily Ever After. _

**The End**

Chuck hit save happily, tomorrow he planned to give it to his publisher. _Just a fad, ha! _He thought smugly. Archie swaggered into the room, took one look at the passage to where the flashing cursor blinked end and smote the computer. He smiled proudly and blew smoke off his trigger finger.

Chuck jumped up livid. Hours of drunken entertainment lay in twisted heap of burned metal. His story in all its glory was lost in the destruction…"ARCHIE! What the fuck!"

Archie rolled his eyes. "Oh please! You can't end the story like that."

Chuck opened his mouth scrambling for a reply. Archie continued, "Where's the romance? The action? Everyone hate's kittens Chuck. I did you a god damn favor."

Chuck gestured at the computer. "Archie…you better fix this computer...or I…I…"

Archie bent over and picked up a beer from behind Chuck's lamp. "You'll what?" he said sipping the drink.

"I'll tell Castiel where you are." Chuck said with venom.

Archie threw his hands up in the air. "Alright…alright…I'm just saying there should be a wedding or something."

Chuck stroked his beard thoughtfully. "Archie, you smug bastard, you may be onto something."

The archangel relaxed slightly, he had been afraid he was in serious trouble. Archie finished the beer and tossed the can over his shoulder.

"NOW STOP TOUCHING MY FUCKING BEER." Chuck roared at him. "AND FIX THIS PILE OF SHIT."

Archie jumped a foot in the fair, scared shitless. He quickly got to work as Chuck further pondered the idea.

It seemed a wedding would be in order.

**To Be Continued**

**LEGITIMATE NUDITY NEXT CHAPTER, I PROMISE**


	19. To Whom It May Concern

**To Whom It May Concern:**

Due to extenuating circumstances (the WAR you guys fought) the lovely wedding of some dumb ass bear and his white trash doll friend was canceled.

For whatever reason, it's on again I guess. Chances are there will be a divorce shortly after.

Chuck said I should just tell you all that the wedding is formal, but the party afterwards is causal/nice. Wear a dress or something fun and light.

I never get invited to parties. I don't see why you guys are.

Not that I care,

Archie

P.S. Bring me some beer.


	20. Holy Tax Accountant Holy Cow

Thank you to every one for encouraging me to take a three chapter sleep depravation idea and make it into a twenty chapter fandom battle of gore and awesomeness. I really have enjoyed every one of your reviews, many of which lead to interesting plot developments (the war), new characters (Archie) and excessive amounts of writing.

**Chapter Twenty: **_THE LADIES GET REAL ACTION_

Castiel double checked no one was watching and then he quietly got ready for bed. He took off his trench coat. Then he shrugged off his black jacket. Slowly, he undid each button on his white shirt until every inch of his tan chest was exposed. With a final click, the harness that held his wings folded against his body came undone. They unfurled, gently brushing the sides of the room. Now comfortable, he breathed a sigh of relief.

Stripped to his blue satin boxers, he got into bed. The sheets clung to his well built frame. His rippling muscles tossed and turned as he searched for a comfortable sleeping position. It was a human thing, and he was just getting used to it.

Soon he was asleep, tucked safely in the realm of dreams. His wings twitched when the dreams got particularly exciting. "No...no," he murmured, "don't take my toy please... oh, thanks Dean..."

His bedroom door opened and tiny feet pit pattered in. Small giggles and Shhs! did not disturb the sleeping angel.

o-o-o-o-o-o

Castiel woke up under the hot sun. He yawned in the pleasant warmth on his uncovered torso. Suddenly he sat straight up.

He did not remember going to bed outside.

In the middle of the lake.

On his mattress.

Floating.

And he certainly did not recall writing on himself in sharpie…multiple times.

"Eep!" he shrieked.

He sat up in bed, making the flimsy mattress sway. He pulled the sheets up to his chest and looked around the clear waters with horrified blue eyes. He bit his trembling lip as light breeze carried the make shift raft a little to the right.

One of his wings dipped off the edge of the raft splashing cool water on to him. He yelped at the surprise burst of cold. As he twisted he noticed on his ribcage in red sharpie Nikki + Cas = True Love!!! was displayed for all the world to see. On his pectoral in black sharpie was a mock imitation of the sigil tattooed on Dean scrawled next to Rebecca is awesome!! He ran a hand through his tousled hair. If he was able to more thoroughly inspect himself he would have also seen; a innocent kiss from Kat, Kim kicks ass, Karoi (with a tiny heart), and a paw print next to Ezra's signature. But these were only small examples of the extensive graffiti. Not to mention the assorted: :D and the exclusive ;D

Ah, bless she who invented the winking emoticon. Amen, Sister.

"Who's Liv?" Archie pointed as he floated by, doing his morning routine of the back swim (surprisingly easy when you have wings to propel yourself). And by morning routine, the Author is referring to how Archie routinely gets told to 'get lost' after he or Chuck drinks one to many alcoholic beverages.

Castiel pulled the sheet closer to himself. "No one."

Archie adjusted himself to the doggy paddle. "Cas, what's up man? You look tense."

"I have been dragged from my bed and put in the middle of a lake. WHAT DO YOU THINK?"

Archie raised himself out of the water with his wings shaking out their extra moisture as they propelled him. "Watch where you spray!" Castiel hissed.

"Sorry." Archie said unapologetically. "C'mon Cas, let's go back to Camp…whatever and cheer you up."

"But…but…I'm only wearing boxers!" Casitel said throwing the sheet off.

Ladies, now is the appropriate time for an excessive amount of imagination.

"Why did someone named Lulu sign your right leg?" Archie said with one eyebrow raised. "Anyway, you look fine. I mean, look what I'm wearing!"

Castiel was momentarily fascinated by the new revelation that there were more signatures on his lower body. "Archie," he whined as his coherent thoughts returned, "you're wearing jeans and tee shirt. I'm wearing soft blue boxers that don't leave ANYTHING to the imagination."

Archie laughed. "C'mon, it's a short flight. No one will notice."

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

The Warriors of WINchester set up a landing strip with flashing lights to guide the two angels in to Victory Bible Camp. Castiel landed with a soft bump and jogged down the air strip with his arms out. "Whooooooosh." He said in the time honored tradition of the garrison to imitate planes as they flew. Archie hoped to the ground. "Loser."

Castiel glared at him. "Spoil sport. You were kicked out of the Garrison for a reason."

Rebecca met him on the improvised jet way with a cotton purple bath robe, extra fuzzy. "Welcome back, there's a hot bubble bath waiting for you inside."

"Thanks." Castiel blushed taking the robe. He let it hang off his lean frame and he left it untied. He walked down the runway to his cabin among cat calls and cheers. He waved at his swooning admirers.

As soon as he was out of sight Archie looked at the ladies. "Well, was I right or was I right?"

"You were right," Evelyn piped up, "it was a good idea. But you're still an asshole."

The girls cheered and then jumped on Archie. They carried him to the dock and threw him in. "Take that you teen age mutant angel!" Ezra screamed.

Satisfied that the morning was started off right, they went back to their bunkers to get ready.

There was wedding to attend.

o-o-o-o-o-o

Tiny Annie looked at Fluffy, her best friend and purple poodle. "I just hope everything goes alright," Annie fretted, looking down at her dress, "there's going to be so many people…"

"Don't worry," Fluffy chided, "you look marvelous."

It was true- Annie's curly blonde hair had been pulled up into tight bun. Her long white dress was strapless and sequined with small flowers. "Alright," Annie looked at the door to the chapel, "I'm ready."

In the groom's quarters Mr. Wuffles was wobbly, but still pacing back and forth. "Relax man," Duke the Unicorn and best man said, "She's a beautiful girl. You're lucky."

"I just want everything to be perfect!" He sighed. "For Tiny Annie."

Duke patted his shoulder and straightened his tie. "C'mon man, let's get out there."

o-o-o-o-o-o

Meanwhile, Castiel sunk into his bubble bath completely nude letting the sharpie fade (slightly) as he relaxed. His feather wings lay around him, soft, white, gorgeous and covered in bubbles. That is all.

o-o- o_O -o-o

Sam looked at Dean. "Dean, come here."

Dean pouted and stepped forward. "Look," Sam said leaning forward, "you tie a bow tie like _this."_

Dean glared at him. "I don't know why you get to wear a tie."

Sam admired his handwork. He looked down at his blue tie and smiled. "Because I'm classy like that."

They looked at the oaken doors. "Alright," he said determinedly, "we're doing this for Cas."

Dean nodded. "Yes. For Castiel. … Is it worth it?"

Sam shrugged. He'd been thinking the same thing. They were willingly about to march into a small area with hundreds of fangirls that had previously held them hostage in a failed attempt to defend honor. Then again, they were pretty fabulous ladies to look at. A smile crept across Sam's face. "Oh, yeah it's definitely worth it."

Dean shrugged. "Then let's do this."

They walked out towards Victory Bible Camp.

o-o-o-o-o-o

Castiel's toes were getting pretty wrinkly when he sat up. "Oh no! The wedding!"

He streaked out of the bathroom (by all means, take moment here to visualize _that)_ to his room and quickly adorned his suit and tie. There was a wedding he had to officiate!

As he entered the chapel he smiled to see that the Warriors of WINchester were getting along nicely. In the first three rows his army of fallen angels sat down well behaved. Everything was going perfectly, so far. Sam and Dean sat in the back pews admiring the lovely ladies that walked by in elegant evening wear. More than once they uttered the best compliment of all, the two syllable "Da-mn."

Castiel noticed as he walked down the isle a couple of women winked at him. Becka, in her red strapless gown, even whistled at him. As he took his place at the head of the chapel, Castiel blushed faintly. At his nod, the organist began to play a guitar solo, because her organ had been left at home (accidentally).

Big Dog, Lodi, and Duke stood next a very classy looking Mr. Wuffles as best men.

Down the isle hoped Mr. Froggy and Mr. Foggers tossing flowers as they went.

Next, Dean had been chosen to escort Tiny Annie on her special day to her groom.

Except from one drunken WHOO-BABY! somewhere in the back, things went smoothly. Later, Archie was severely beaten for his outburst.

Soon, in the hushed silence and awwwwwwws, Castiel was finally able to speak the words Tiny Annie and Mr. Wuffles had been dying to hear: "I now pronounce you teddy bear and doll."

There was a standing ovation as Tiny Annie and Mr. Wuffles kissed.

The party afterwards was held in the open space between Apple Pie Metallicamp and Camp Crystal Lake. Lights had been strung in the tress illuminating the improvised dancing area. A buffet table was spread out with all manner of delicacies. Castiel stood in the middle of the open area and held up his glass of punch. "Attention please!"

The Warriors had learned by now to shut the hell up when Castiel spoke. They all turned to him.

"I'd like to make a toast to the lovely couple! L'chaim! To life!" he shouted.

Nike raised her glass also. "To Mr. Wuffles and Tiny Annie! May their doll house be stuffed with children!"

A couple of people giggled appreciatively. Kat stood up in her tight jeans and red/black corset style top. "May their marriage be as long as the thread the holds them together!"

A round of applause followed the toasts and everyone drank their punch.

The first song Anna the DJ played was a slow song, 'So Close,' that Mr. Wuffles and Tiny Annie danced to. After that, the music steadily improved.

At Archie's request alcohol had wound up being available to everyone. The music was rocking and Castiel flew around once or twice, tossing glitter down on the femme fatales. Nike sparkled in her skin tight black leather mini dress that moved with her curves as she sashayed all over the dance floor. Dean pointed to her and elbowed Sam. "Check out that sweet biker chick."

"Mm-hmm." Sam agreed, only because he thought they were talking about a different girl that he was eyeing. "I like her blue top."

For what ever absurd reason, Archie strutted around in black jeans, a worn leather jacket, and a very sexy Blue Oyster Cult tee shirt. "Hey ladies," he said as picked out groups of girls to flirt with. "Is that a mirror in your pocket? Because I can see myself in your pants."

Samantha took her strawberry colored hair down and let it fall across her bare back. Her red halter dress twirled as she danced across to Archie. "Hey Arch," she smiled, "I got you a drink."

He raised one eyebrow at the fruity little cocktail. He shrugged. "What the hell, down the hatch."

Others quickly decided to introduce him to Jack Daniels, Alaska Amber, Crown Royal, and other assorted drinks of ill repute. Danielle helped also by using her angel powers to turn water into all sorts of assorted cocktails (mostly Pina Coladas). Shortly after that, Archie became the king of drinking games and while many challenges were issued, few were won by his opponents. The shinning exception was the staggering Ezra who looked mildly perplexed at her bunny. "Why is there two of you?"

Roscoe, Kim's plot bunny, hopped away to scout out the buffet table. Ezra sighed. "Oh. That's better."

Dean and Sam changed from their tuxedos to charming ripped jeans and tight black tee-shirts that clung to their well built frame. The stood on the edge of the dance floor nonchalant exuding causal coolness and complete sexiness. Clara approached Dean in her short playful mini skirt and green top, "Wanna dance?"

Dean accepted, and soon had to dance with almost everyone. Sam too, was taken on spins across the dance floor. As Mapomi and others quickly discovered, Sam was a very good twirler as he swung his dance partners around the floor.

There was also one very lonely Karaoke Machine that remained unused for the start of the evening. The first one drunk enough to use the Karaoke machine was, of course, Kim. She was pushed on stage after she had yelled death threats at everyone in her heavy Boston accent (which, not surprisingly got thicker every time she drank more). After a stirring rendition of Here (In Your Arms) she walked over to Dean.

He looked over her in her black cocktail dress. Her brown hair had been styled marvelously as it fell onto her shoulder. He smiled and causally asked, "No poison lipstick?"

"Nope." She said with a playful grin.

He kissed her lightly. "Thanks for singing."

She started to walk away, happy as a clam. "Wait," Sam called, "I never got a chance...."

Then Kim got exactly what she had wanted the entire time: Two minuets of mind blowing kissing between her, the ferocious Samazon, and Sam, the emotionally hardcore Winchester.

After that, the Karaoke line got very long and Dean and Sam had to trade on who gave thank you kisses. Either way, they were very consistent on giving the same amount of fiery intensity to each of the delightful sinners, I mean, singers.

On stage, shimmering in the lime light, Nikki and Rebecca poured their hearts into the microphone.

"I want someone provocative and talkative," Rebecca soulfully sang, "but it's so hard when you're shallow as a shower!"

"And from what I've heard with skin," Nikki sang with her, "You'll win!"

After the ladies with the curse of curves stepped off, three stepped on. Jamie, Cirque, and Geeke jumped on stage each wearing their own uniquely decorated trucker hat (a tribute to their off stage activities).

"This was never the way I planned!" Jamie started off.

"Not my intention!" Geeke sang along with equal gusto. "I got so brave…"

"A drink in hand!" Cirque chimed in. "Lost my discretion."

Then all together they screamed, "I kissed a girl!"

The audience yelled back, "AND I LIKED IT!"

Pretty soon the party was completely untamed and wild. The moon rose, casting a haunted glow to the festivities. "Is that Bobby," Sam pointed to the center of the dance floor, "break dancing?"

Dean took another sip of his beer. "Yeah, and he's doing pretty well actually."

Later that night, through out the campground there were many reported, but unconfirmed sightings of naked Sam and nude Dean in multiple beds. According to some eye witness, Dean did in fact have more than one tattoo. But if there was one order John had taught his sons it was, "Don't kiss and tell."

What had happened exactly was a frequently asked question that no one would ever fully know the answer to.

**THE E.N.D **

**(the energy never dies)**

**IMPORTANT POST SCRIPT:**

There is a balance  
That we must uphold.  
In this dark universe  
As stories are told~

As angst goes spinning  
Wildly out of control,  
That is when our silliness  
Must now take hold.

There is no safe haven  
For Dean and Sam.  
Because we fangirls  
Have a ridiculous plan...

We will save the day!  
They have no choice-  
Our fanfiction will  
Make them rejoice!

Write on my writers!  
Write on and cheer up!  
Or else this angst will  
Blow our fandom up.

**  
GO FORTH AND WRITE ME SOMETHING LUDACRIS. AND P.M. AS SOON AS YOU DO IT SO I CAN READ IT AND TELL YOU GUYS AGAIN HOW AWESOME Y'ALL ARE. **

**Special Note: **Yes, you may use Archie if you so desire in ONE story as long as you say that he is my creation. Thank you.

**EPILOUGE TO FOLLOW**


	21. Epilouge: Don't Post Sad

_beta'd by our fellow warrior, enviousxbeauty_

**EPILOUGE **

Archie stumbled home drunk. Not his normal drunk, but completely shit-faced. As he pushed his way into Chuck's house he breathed a sigh of relief to see all the lights were off. That meant Chuck was asleep, and he was safe and…_oh shit._

The living room lamp clicked on. Chuck crossed one leg over another and started tapping his fingers against the large armchair's arms. "Archie?" Chuck prompted.

Crap. Crap. Crap! Archie looked at the ceiling. "Erm…"

"Where the hell were you!" Chuck yelled.

"Look, you never take me anywhere," Archie defended, "I just wanted to have a little fun!"

Chuck gasped. "Oh I see how it is. You were with _him _again, weren't you?"

"Bobby understands me more than you do! He listens when I speak!"

"What about all the fun we had together Archie?" Chuck stood up and walked over to his angel and touched his shoulder. "Please don't say that didn't mean anything."

Archie swatted away Chuck's hand. "Don't touch me!"

There was a moment of silence and intense eye contact. "I cannot believe you call breaking into prisons and war zones _fun_," Archie hissed, "Or using me like some cheap muse. I hate you Chuck!"

Chuck looked away from his best, well sort-of-okay-to-be-around-with-if-you-got-used-to-the-awkwardness, friend defeated. "Well then why don't you just go."

"Chuck, wait I didn't mean it. Look, maybe we can talk…"

"Archie, don't do this to me..." Chuck sighed and started walking towards the kitchen. "I don't need to take this crap from you."

Archie looked around the messy house he had called home. "Whatever man… maybe I will leave."

Chuck turned and looked at him with misty eyes. "Where will you go? The Garrison! See if they want your crap!"

"I will!"

Archie slammed the door. Behind him, Chuck stood in stunned silence. "Of course," he grumbled, "only when I'm sober does bad shit happen."

Then, while still completely emotionally distraught, he sat down at his new computer and began to retype his fifth season opener. This is why everything went so quickly to Hell in a hand basket in just three short episodes.

In the morning, after his Publisher had received the completed manuscript, Chuck sat in stony silence. He pondered briefly how wise it had been to take out all his anger on Sam and Dean. _Screw it, _he said to himself, _if I'm miserable so should everyone else be._

He heard a knock on his door. Setting down his Irish coffee he got up and shakily opened his door.

Chuck blinked at his visitor. "Archie?"

"Chuck?" Archie lowered his eyes. He had a massive hangover. " …Can I come in?"

"You came back for me!"

They hugged.

And after that, Chuck's writing took a much lighter tone for the rest of the season.

**IT'S REALLY OVER NOW.**

**I'm off to go write a Archie based story. Want notification of when that's posted? Say so in your review. Have an awesome day!**


End file.
